Brittany Tarrolly looks like she singlehandedly keeps a third-world lipstick factory in business.

And the irony of a TV news reporter mocking an event for being mostly based on appearance is too much. If Tiffany Tarrolly ever reported a story that she didn't read from cue cards, I'll eat my hat.

Man, I can't stand these women. I've had women like them in my cab before, too many times, and it was always a teeth-gritting experience.

They were probably both sired by the same stud.

Two minutes of watching the Tarrolly video is enough to convince me that they don't have the slightest sense of satire behind their harpy-like sniping. Here's their analysis of the first pageant contestant.

Brittany: She doesn't have lips.

Tiffany: Yeah, she's totally mouthless.

B: Hey, do you want to fuck? I guess. It's not like you can get it. Shit.

T: Well, and I wouldn't really want that mouth around my dick.

B: Yeah. Or the nose size to be puncturing through your dick. If you had one.

T: Not to mention, you know, with ears like this, you really shouldn't be accentuating them, like she is right here.

B: Right, with a huge fucking line of cheap-ass fucking rhinestones from Claire's. Classy, bitch! I'd say a five, just because she's got nice titties.

See what I mean? Funny stuff, right?

Probably because I've had to listen to similar crap spewing out of the backseat of my cab for 10+ years, and I've never been able to respond. I can only imagine what a joy the Tarrolly sisters must be when they're drunk.

I heard that the Tarrollys' neighbors complained about all the whinnying that goes on every morning.

One advantage that Brittany and Tiffany Tarrolly have over the rest of us is that they can swish flies out of each other's face with their tails.

The Tarrollys are repulsive, but I continue to stare at them with horrified fascination, as if they were exotic roadkill—a crushed emu, perhaps.

With their most recent video, the Tarrollys prove that they are not only moronic, but racist as well. Here's their treatment of an African-American contestant, which begins at the 1:54 mark.

Brittany:  Welcome back, with Mariah Bay Jones!

Tiffany:  She's representing Bakersfield.

Brittany: Miss Bakersfield! Ben, what do you give her?

Ben:  You know what, I guess, I mean, sure...

B and T:  [witchlike cackling]

Ben:  ...you know, it's hard sometimes. I'm not completely...

T:  Two hundred thirty girls. Let's be honest here.

Ben:  That's a lot of girls. I guess, you know, truthfully, at the end of the day...

B and T:  [witchlike cackling]

Ben:  ...I'm gonna have to call this one a four.

T:  I gotta say, for a second, I thought I was looking at the Mr. Gentleman USA Pageant.

B:  [cackles witchily]

Ben:  [laughs stupidly]

B:  Well, let's not kid ourselves. I'm a Tarrolly, and very honest. She's a one, if that. Maybe like a negative five.

T:  We might have to expand the scale to include negative.

B:  Right. Because of this bitch right here. What the hell is Miss California? What is the requirement?

Ben:  Heh. I mean, I gotta say...

B:  Possibly female? Possibly human?

Ben:  The hair does it for me. Okay?

B:  The hair? Fuck the hair! Look at the face!

Ben:  I mean, let's not be brutal at this.

T: I'm looking at the shape, the chest, the hair, the face...

B: I'm gonna be honest, when I saw Mariah Bay Jones, or whatever it is, I thought I was opening a National Geographic magazine, because I thought it was talking about evolution.

T:  Ooooooooooh!

Ben: What, are you kidding me? You're like [starts grunting like a monkey and making monkey arm movements] Uh! Uh! Uh!

B: [cackles]

Every time they open their mouths, the rottenness comes out. Can you believe these people think highly of themselves?

To be fair, Vicarious, we've only seen Brittany sitting on a couch. If she was in her natural element, swinging through the trees or grooming lice from Tiffany's pelt, you might change your mind.

And, to be honest, Brittany looks cuter as a snow monkey than a human.

No, calling them monkeys was the best. I still have little internal mini-celebrations when I think of it. It wasn't intelligent, but it was hilarious, and hilarity is a value I also hold in high esteem. 

The intelligent part of my criticism consists of the transcripts I posted.