AP: Lake Superior Bull Shark Eradicated by Duluth Autonomous Navy

DULUTH, Minn. (AP) – On August 10, 2020, Duluth Mayor Emily Larson commissioned the Duluth Autonomous Navy to eradicate the bull shark terrorizing Duluth’s beaches. Only four days later, the DAN co-Admirals have announced “mission accomplished.”

“We had a good idea where to find it,” said Jim Richardson, AKA Lake Superior Aquaman. “I witnessed the encounter that went viral (“Lake Superior Bull Shark Encounter, Duluth MN 8/8/20”), and we plotted an intercept course from that.”

Troy Rogers, AKA Robot Rickshaw, characterized the successful hunt this way: “We launched on Monday, and by Thursday that shark had a trident in its guts.”

The Mayor’s office confirmed medals will be awarded as soon as it is safe to hold large gatherings.

When asked about a lack of footage, Richardson said, “I lost two good GoPros while doing battle with that thing, and it if weren’t for those cameras getting all bit up, I wouldn’t be here today.”

And the lack of a body? “That shark lies belly-up on the bottom of the sea in the muck. You’re welcome.”

What of those pictures of Richardson sporting a strap-on dorsal fin? “That camouflage allowed me close enough to strike, as Troy’s sousaphone boat drove it towards me, making a bunch of racket. Any further questions may be directed to my attorney.”

Mayor Larson is getting bi-partisan kudos for a quick response time. Speaking on condition of confidentiality, a source within the administration said, “She didn’t want a repeat of the alligator fiasco from her first term. You almost never see alligators in Lake Superior any more. But it just took too long, and I heard, I mean she heard, those constituent concerns loud and clear. Now Duluthians can relax and enjoy the rest of the summer in the water.”

The UMD Biology Department issued a press release about the shark, stating, “Lake Superior cannot support a breeding shark population. This was a lonely, hungry, tired shark.”

Richardson took issue with that: “I can assure you, that shark may have been lonely and hungry, but it was not tired.”

Speargun traps are being installed in the Soo Locks to keep sharks out of the lake from now on. A spokesperson for the Army Corps of Engineers confirmed, “Sharks are a Lake Michigan problem, not a Lake Superior problem.”

7 Comments

vicarious

about 1 month ago

I would’ve believed this was real, except the AP would  fully capitalized “MN.”

Details, Richardson.

Jim Richardson (aka Lake Superior Aquaman)

about 1 month ago

I copied their style directly from the AP website, er uh I mean, this is an authentic AP article how dare you sir!

Jim Richardson (aka Lake Superior Aquaman)

about 1 month ago

Hmm, it looks like someone at the AP has applied the more correct "Minn." to greater reflect its style.

TJ Harig

about 1 month ago

There will be people in Duluth that actually believe this 🤣 the only thing close to a shark in that lake is a giant muskie

Linda w

about 1 month ago

Too bad they had to kill it instead of finding a way to relocate the shark. Yes it might have been more time consuming and a pain in the ass. But tagging and relocation would have been so much better. And you could have learned so much more from that than just killing it.

TRedfield

about 1 month ago

Well to celebrate you can go and enjoy the hotsprings in Mankato.

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