You know something? You theater people are pretty damn bold. I get it, controversy sells tickets, and naming your play something rather uncomfortable and inappropriate, like "Sex Change" probably gets its name out there more than if you named it "A Little Slice," but I don't think you understand all the consequences of your actions. Last week while driving downtown, I was forced into explaining the term -- as superficially as possible, trust me -- to my 10 year old who read your brand new gleaming sign. I was reminded that it wasn't the first borderline term I've read on that particular sign, and it sort of pissed me off. Have some respect for the rest of us, will ya? I'm a supporter of the arts, and would love to take my wife down to the new place and see a play. But you know what? You just might be offending more people than you intrigue, and that's not good for the theater or the community that suffers its presence. Clean it up!

I've got a transgendered friend. I also have children. I really didn't have a problem explaining gender identity to them when they were in elementary school. Now they are in high school and neither have "burning questions" about sex, sexuality, gender or identity. I have always felt that talking to your kids is a GOOD thing, regardless of the topic. Your own "values" are much easier to pass down to your children if they actually know what they are!

Tim = exactly right.

Words and concepts don't scar kids. Uptight, reactionary adults who label things as "inappropriate" and "uncomfortable" are more of a problem, if you ask me.

All you had to do was say "It's about two people who switch bodies." The end. Even if it was about an actual gender-reassignment, so what? The world exists. So does murder and rape and war. All of this is out there, and shielding a kid from the truth of reality, however "offensive" it may be, is nonsensical.

Show your work: when has explaining the concept of gender reassignment ever scarred a kid for life? You're just miffed because you had to scramble to explain it. Well, sorry the world doesn't act according to your wishes.

You're just lucky the kid didn't ask what a "Human Centipede" is.

@Wow 

I had the identical reaction, immediately thinking of Human Centipede when reading this comment.  Now, that shit is outrageous.  And while I don't relish the idea of explaining that concept to America's Future the grossout factor of it would like make a kid bust a gut laughing.

@Paul

I gotta say, the gleaming sign IS new...ish. It only went up this year or in the last three months of '09.  But I would have described it as "sparkling" or perhaps "digitally glittery."

Having been a step-parent myself (hardest work there will ever be I think), I can speak to the issue ConcernedPoppa mentions.  

Situations like these do put step-parents in a fix--be damned if you do kind of thing. I think he has a valid point and it becomes obvious in his second post. There are always at least a dozen people involved when a step-parent treads on these issues. My step-daughter's mother did not believe in "sex education," even when she knew my step-daughter (16) was sexually active.  WWVII happened when I took it upon myself to talk to the girl.  And she was already a teenager.  

I do agree that Paul's post seemed pretty defensive and immature.  Geez Louise sometimes it seems there is just a clique here and "outside" opinions cause all kinds of ruckus.  It's a lot like high school sometimes--follow the leader.  Let's listen before we shout.

So, concernedpapa figured out how to use his peepee but cannot explain how it works. Grow up. My theory is that you just want attention, which I will grant to you. The billboard is far less offensive or invasive than the average advertisement on television, which I trust you don't allow your son to ever watch out of fear that you will remain in a permanent state of explanation. You are a parent, your JOB is to explain things to your kid. The trickier the better, for then he may start his journey prepared. The switching of piss parts seems less daunting a task than religion, existence, war, the terminal illness of a loved one, homelessness, racism and why only some people recieve adequate health care. You got off easy today, buy him an ice cream cone and don't complain. 
Enjoy Spirit Valley Days.

Have they ever asked what an electric fetus is, or quick lube or christ church? Grow a pair Poppa ... signs of the time.

As far as I'm concerned, the Norshor's "Live Nudes" sign was LESS offensive. The name of the play is pure sensationalism, plain and simple. What, "Switching Spots" didn't sum it up quite succinctly enough for you? And lets just watch and see who has the most vitriol about this ... the theater people----->Kujawa, etc. (Who's comment about me not being able to figure out how to use my "peepee" was both inappropriately out of place and exactly what I'd expect from him, I read EVERYTHING on PDD). Not everybody likes sensationalism thrown in their face, but theater people apparently thrive on it, and are offended if you don't.

ConcernedPoppa is right -- the play WAS sensational! Just got back from opening night. The crowd was packed full of laughing patrons having a great time and gleefully spending money to boost Duluth's economy. All for art! Ain't it grand?

"Switching Spots," now there's a title thunk up by someone who should stick to not thinking up titles for things. What a nondescript, asinine suggestion by a haughty moralistic wackadoo. Hey, Tipper Gore, go find a new husband!

How much fun is rhetorical? The answer may very well be "never," which would be the exact answer 99.99% of every one of EACH OF YOUR OWN parents chose, and you obviously all wound up so well adjusted.

I guess my parents were in the .01% because I'm pretty sure we had that conversation when Tootsie came out in 1982.

Good effin grief ... Poppa, you really need to find some way to let this thing go ... and TRY to fine a better way to relate to your kids a little better. If you're having this much trouble talking to them about this, I can only imagine what you're going to have to say about things like sex and drugs, death and war. (Don't have it, don't do them, nibbles went on a "journey," it's your patriotic duty ... just a guess.)

Andy chose this title because *he* thought it was apt for the play he was writing. I'm sure the same could be said for the guy who wrote Knocked Up, or whoever it was that made a porno. Hell, Woody Allen movie titles are far more controversial than this.

Yeah, I see Tamara's point, but this isn't just about that. There's some clear, ugly homophobia going on here, and that's the unfortunate part. It's not about what the play is actually about (I'm guessing concernedpoppa had no idea), but the fact that he doesn't want to explain transgender issues. That's fine if you think they're too young or whatever, but to say that it's something outright offensive that should be buried is on the bigoted side at least.

Dear ConcernedPapa, 

I am glad you read EVERYTHING on PDD, because then you come armed with the knowledge that I could really give a shit less what a person of your belief system thinks of me. I think you are harmful to society and a blight on the gene pool. I think that it is terrifying that you are a parent. Just what the world needs, another generation of miscreants. The manner in which you label humans is offensive, your demeanor is putrid, and your testosterone level is too high for it's own good. Hopefully, natural selection will take care of your sort in the future. Until then, revel in your stupidity.

After the ruling in California this week you might want to remove your internet connection, your tv, and cancel any newspapers and magazines for the next few years or so. There will be lotsa scary big words that you might have some 'splaining' to do about.

Nope. I have judged him. He is stupid.

I think PDD does a great job of educating, overall.  How about if someone would post here the different words we could use as parents and grandparents or whomever, to explain the differences in sexual identity?.  (And to call a penis a pee pee is certainly not fostering a good command of anatomy language..good grief).  It wasn't too long ago that Oprah, after calling a vagina a "V-JJ" for years, learned that she needed to use the correct language if she wanted to be taken seriously. And she was 50+ years old! 

As a former health care worker, I taught my kids correct anatomy words from 3 years old and on. And I am very comfortable with the GLBT community, and I have been in theater, but I still do not always feel like I always have the right "language," when referring to all the different aspects of sex changes. I think it is interesting to a lot of people, but fearful too because it can be overwhelming in scope. 

PDD folks could do a good thing by posting a little dictionary of terms here so ConcernedPoppa and others who read this forum would have a better understanding of the terminology as well as something to use for discussion with family members.  

Nobody likes to think they aren't educated as a parent, but where do parents go if they want a better understanding of these issues?  I think the play sounds great and funny, but not everyone will want to go. So this forum could pave the way for better understanding is what I'm thinking.

Wow... 
Is bashing (whether it's toward people of transgender or regarding gender identity or those who are uncomfortable talking about it) more important than learning or reaching understanding?  And what about respect... for all thoughts? 

Are we helping Concerned Poppa by bashing him just because he doesn't feel comfortable about sexuality? I understand the anger that heads his way when others feel such anger when being maltreated for gender identity or seeing how others are maltreated. But, really, folks... group think and bashing do not lead toward learning and change.

I'd like to help Concerned Poppa a bit in the parenting realm and give him some tools for understanding rather than make him feel bad just because he has thoughts. As a parent or step parent, it's OK and preferred to "be real" and use the things that make you uncomfortable transform to a "teachable moment." Kids can learn even when very young, But we don't need to give them more than they're ready to learn.  And step parents have the chance to dialogue with biological parents about educating kids about sexuality and human differences. What harm would it be to just say to the step parent, "this came up and I'm at odds as to how to deal with it. What would you do?" And then talk about it and share the educating. Or if there is not that kind of good relationship with the bio dad, then just do some soul searching and learning so you're armed with justification with how you're handling child rearing.

But...please, give Concernend Poppa and all of us a break. Help the cause, don't harm it by doing cute bashing stuff back and forth. I feel like I'm in the middle of a middle school bashing party with this type of interaction. Sorry if that offended you but use this space by being real. Use your real names and stand behind what you have to say. And please use respect.

Paul, you are thinking of Rubber Chicken Theater's "Evil Dead: The Musical" in October at The Venue.  

Rubber Chicken Theater's "Shout! The Mod Musical" features topless dancing.

I'm sorry Voula, but PDD is hardly anonymous when compared to the other boards in town. And you know what, sometimes a little snarky clique-ishness is what a situation needs. Why should progressive-thinking people have to sit around and wait with kind words about their ignorant brothers- brothers who have slowed the pace of meaningful change for far too long. Most of us on PDD do care about issues- with more thought and conscience than you seem to realize. We may "slam" others, but I dare say it is more useful than the sword (and more useful than MN Nice).

What I meant by pseudo anonymity is this, each post to PDD can be traced to an IP address, which can tell where or who posted it. So, for example, if ConcernedPoppa posted from an IP address at Zeitgeist... One could make the argument he is a shill.  Understand that the IP information is not readily available to just anyone, but it is there. No one is really anonymous on the Internet.

Funny, I've always associated snarky clique-ishness with conservative whack jobs. Doesn't sound like a direction "progressive-thinking" people should strive for. 

That being said, my first thought about this post was that it was ridiculous; however, I agree with Voula that there are better ways to get your point across to people on "the other side of the fence." Don't hate, educate.

I love that I work in an industry that can so quickly polarize a ton of people. As far as I'm concerned, this productions already a success. Just look at how much discussion's occurred already. It got people talking, for better or for worse. Really, isn't that the point? Challenge the norms of society, bring a new viewpoint, get people to ask questions, attack, defend, complain, and entertain or repulse? Bah, what do I know... I'm just a designer. I'll leave the controversy to the playwrights and directors. Unless I figure out a scandalous way to use Skelton Exotic Sangria...

(Lighting Designer for "Sex Change")

I definitely read your post. You said you were offended and that you had to explain it "as superficially as possible". This points to the idea of a sex change as something you're ashamed to talk about. Whether it's fear or hatred or whatever, it sure seems like transgender issues are something you're unwilling to discuss in any way aside from making exclamations on a blog. Sorry if that seems a bit phobic to me.

I think it's Danny. 

Wait, I'M Danny!

I knew somebody knew who this was because earlier they referred to his "son" and nowhere in his post did he say the gender of the kid.  I went back to be sure.  So this is an insider deal after all. I'm with you, Voula, this is last attention I pay to this thread.  Ugh.

Bring back the Nazi!

This is a total marketing gimmick.  Genius.  You can tell it is by the fact that Tony "Merlin" Bennett and Mat Milinkovich aren't on here being internet bullies.

You can never argue with an artist and expect to win.

On-topic, I understand poppa's concerns, but I think they are a bit extreme.  I also understand that this venue (the blog here) seems like a free for all for Denfeld's '89 -'91 class.  In any case, I will go see the production and sincerely hope it's not similar to other plots in similar vein.  The title really is campy, though.  I want to see clever, not vaudeville.

Hey Hot Rod, I heard Paul Lundgren is a reptilian shapeshifter.

Jody, I think you may be right.  Lundgren does seem like a good tool they could use to write New World Order propaganda.  He is good at it.  I fully support anything that Jody Kujawa says.

ACT I
SCENE I. Rome. A street.

    Enter FLAVIUS, MARULLUS, and certain Commoners 

FLAVIUS

    Hence! home, you idle creatures get you home:
    Is this a holiday? what! know you not,
    Being mechanical, you ought not walk
    Upon a labouring day without the sign
    Of your profession? Speak, what trade art thou?

First Commoner

    Why, sir, a carpenter.

MARULLUS

    Where is thy leather apron and thy rule?
    What dost thou with thy best apparel on?
    You, sir, what trade are you?

Second Commoner

    Truly, sir, in respect of a fine workman, I am but,
    as you would say, a cobbler.

MARULLUS

    But what trade art thou? answer me directly.

Second Commoner

    A trade, sir, that, I hope, I may use with a safe
    conscience; which is, indeed, sir, a mender of bad soles.

MARULLUS

    What trade, thou knave? thou naughty knave, what trade?

Second Commoner

    Nay, I beseech you, sir, be not out with me: yet,
    if you be out, sir, I can mend you.

MARULLUS

    What meanest thou by that? mend me, thou saucy fellow!

Second Commoner

    Why, sir, cobble you.

FLAVIUS

    Thou art a cobbler, art thou?

Second Commoner

    Truly, sir, all that I live by is with the awl: I
    meddle with no tradesman's matters, nor women's
    matters, but with awl. I am, indeed, sir, a surgeon
    to old shoes; when they are in great danger, I
    recover them. As proper men as ever trod upon
    neat's leather have gone upon my handiwork.

FLAVIUS

    But wherefore art not in thy shop today?
    Why dost thou lead these men about the streets?

Second Commoner

    Truly, sir, to wear out their shoes, to get myself
    into more work. But, indeed, sir, we make holiday,
    to see Caesar and to rejoice in his triumph.

MARULLUS

    Wherefore rejoice? What conquest brings he home?
    What tributaries follow him to Rome,
    To grace in captive bonds his chariot-wheels?
    You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things!
    O you hard hearts, you cruel men of Rome,
    Knew you not Pompey? Many a time and oft
    Have you climb'd up to walls and battlements,
    To towers and windows, yea, to chimney-tops,
    Your infants in your arms, and there have sat
    The livelong day, with patient expectation,
    To see great Pompey pass the streets of Rome:
    And when you saw his chariot but appear,
    Have you not made an universal shout,
    That Tiber trembled underneath her banks,
    To hear the replication of your sounds
    Made in her concave shores?
    And do you now put on your best attire?
    And do you now cull out a holiday?
    And do you now strew flowers in his way
    That comes in triumph over Pompey's blood? Be gone!
    Run to your houses, fall upon your knees,
    Pray to the gods to intermit the plague
    That needs must light on this ingratitude.

FLAVIUS

    Go, go, good countrymen, and, for this fault,
    Assemble all the poor men of your sort;
    Draw them to Tiber banks, and weep your tears
    Into the channel, till the lowest stream
    Do kiss the most exalted shores of all.

    Exeunt all the Commoners
    See whether their basest metal be not moved;
    They vanish tongue-tied in their guiltiness.
    Go you down that way towards the Capitol;

This way will I

    disrobe the images,
    If you do find them deck'd with ceremonies.

MARULLUS

    May we do so?
    You know it is the feast of Lupercal.

FLAVIUS

    It is no matter; let no images
    Be hung with Caesar's trophies. I'll about,
    And drive away the vulgar from the streets:
    So do you too, where you perceive them thick.
    These growing feathers pluck'd from Caesar's wing
    Will make him fly an ordinary pitch,
    Who else would soar above the view of men
    And keep us all in servile fearfulness.

    Exeunt

SCENE II. A public place.

    Flourish. Enter CAESAR; ANTONY, for the course; CALPURNIA, PORTIA, DECIUS BRUTUS, CICERO, BRUTUS, CASSIUS, and CASCA; a great crowd following, among them a Soothsayer 

CAESAR

    Calpurnia!

CASCA

    Peace, ho! Caesar speaks.

CAESAR

    Calpurnia!

CALPURNIA

    Here, my lord.

CAESAR

    Stand you directly in Antonius' way,
    When he doth run his course. Antonius!

ANTONY

    Caesar, my lord?

CAESAR

    Forget not, in your speed, Antonius,
    To touch Calpurnia; for our elders say,
    The barren, touched in this holy chase,
    Shake off their sterile curse.

ANTONY

    I shall remember:
    When Caesar says 'do this,' it is perform'd.

CAESAR

    Set on; and leave no ceremony out.

    Flourish

Soothsayer

    Caesar!

CAESAR

    Ha! who calls?

CASCA

    Bid every noise be still: peace yet again!

CAESAR

    Who is it in the press that calls on me?
    I hear a tongue, shriller than all the music,
    Cry 'Caesar!' Speak; Caesar is turn'd to hear.

Soothsayer

    Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR

    What man is that?

BRUTUS

    A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March.

CAESAR

    Set him before me; let me see his face.

CASSIUS

    Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Caesar.

CAESAR

    What say'st thou to me now? speak once again.

Soothsayer

    Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR

    He is a dreamer; let us leave him: pass.

    Sennet. Exeunt all except BRUTUS and CASSIUS

CASSIUS

    Will you go see the order of the course?

BRUTUS

    Not I.

CASSIUS

    I pray you, do.

BRUTUS

    I am not gamesome: I do lack some part
    Of that quick spirit that is in Antony.
    Let me not hinder, Cassius, your desires;
    I'll leave you.

CASSIUS

    Brutus, I do observe you now of late:
    I have not from your eyes that gentleness
    And show of love as I was wont to have:
    You bear too stubborn and too strange a hand
    Over your friend that loves you.

BRUTUS

    Cassius,
    Be not deceived: if I have veil'd my look,
    I turn the trouble of my countenance
    Merely upon myself. Vexed I am
    Of late with passions of some difference,
    Conceptions only proper to myself,
    Which give some soil perhaps to my behaviors;
    But let not therefore my good friends be grieved--
    Among which number, Cassius, be you one--
    Nor construe any further my neglect,
    Than that poor Brutus, with himself at war,
    Forgets the shows of love to other men.

CASSIUS

    Then, Brutus, I have much mistook your passion;
    By means whereof this breast of mine hath buried
    Thoughts of great value, worthy cogitations.
    Tell me, good Brutus, can you see your face?

BRUTUS

    No, Cassius; for the eye sees not itself,
    But by reflection, by some other things.

CASSIUS

    'Tis just:
    And it is very much lamented, Brutus,
    That you have no such mirrors as will turn
    Your hidden worthiness into your eye,
    That you might see your shadow. I have heard,
    Where many of the best respect in Rome,
    Except immortal Caesar, speaking of Brutus
    And groaning underneath this age's yoke,
    Have wish'd that noble Brutus had his eyes.

BRUTUS

    Into what dangers would you lead me, Cassius,
    That you would have me seek into myself
    For that which is not in me?

CASSIUS

    Therefore, good Brutus, be prepared to hear:
    And since you know you cannot see yourself
    So well as by reflection, I, your glass,
    Will modestly discover to yourself
    That of yourself which you yet know not of.
    And be not jealous on me, gentle Brutus:
    Were I a common laugher, or did use
    To stale with ordinary oaths my love
    To every new protester; if you know
    That I do fawn on men and hug them hard
    And after scandal them, or if you know
    That I profess myself in banqueting
    To all the rout, then hold me dangerous.

    Flourish, and shout

BRUTUS

    What means this shouting? I do fear, the people
    Choose Caesar for their king.

CASSIUS

    Ay, do you fear it?
    Then must I think you would not have it so.

BRUTUS

    I would not, Cassius; yet I love him well.
    But wherefore do you hold me here so long?
    What is it that you would impart to me?
    If it be aught toward the general good,
    Set honour in one eye and death i' the other,
    And I will look on both indifferently,
    For let the gods so speed me as I love
    The name of honour more than I fear death.

CASSIUS

    I know that virtue to be in you, Brutus,
    As well as I do know your outward favour.
    Well, honour is the subject of my story.
    I cannot tell what you and other men
    Think of this life; but, for my single self,
    I had as lief not be as live to be
    In awe of such a thing as I myself.
    I was born free as Caesar; so were you:
    We both have fed as well, and we can both
    Endure the winter's cold as well as he:
    For once, upon a raw and gusty day,
    The troubled Tiber chafing with her shores,
    Caesar said to me 'Darest thou, Cassius, now
    Leap in with me into this angry flood,
    And swim to yonder point?' Upon the word,
    Accoutred as I was, I plunged in
    And bade him follow; so indeed he did.
    The torrent roar'd, and we did buffet it
    With lusty sinews, throwing it aside
    And stemming it with hearts of controversy;
    But ere we could arrive the point proposed,
    Caesar cried 'Help me, Cassius, or I sink!'
    I, as Aeneas, our great ancestor,
    Did from the flames of Troy upon his shoulder
    The old Anchises bear, so from the waves of Tiber
    Did I the tired Caesar. And this man
    Is now become a god, and Cassius is
    A wretched creature and must bend his body,
    If Caesar carelessly but nod on him.
    He had a fever when he was in Spain,
    And when the fit was on him, I did mark
    How he did shake: 'tis true, this god did shake;
    His coward lips did from their colour fly,
    And that same eye whose bend doth awe the world
    Did lose his lustre: I did hear him groan:
    Ay, and that tongue of his that bade the Romans
    Mark him and write his speeches in their books,
    Alas, it cried 'Give me some drink, Titinius,'
    As a sick girl. Ye gods, it doth amaze me
    A man of such a feeble temper should
    So get the start of the majestic world
    And bear the palm alone.

    Shout. Flourish

BRUTUS

    Another general shout!
    I do believe that these applauses are
    For some new honours that are heap'd on Caesar.

CASSIUS

    Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world
    Like a Colossus, and we petty men
    Walk under his huge legs and peep about
    To find ourselves dishonourable graves.
    Men at some time are masters of their fates:
    The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
    But in ourselves, that we are underlings.
    Brutus and Caesar: what should be in that 'Caesar'?
    Why should that name be sounded more than yours?
    Write them together, yours is as fair a name;
    Sound them, it doth become the mouth as well;
    Weigh them, it is as heavy; conjure with 'em,
    Brutus will start a spirit as soon as Caesar.
    Now, in the names of all the gods at once,
    Upon what meat doth this our Caesar feed,
    That he is grown so great? Age, thou art shamed!
    Rome, thou hast lost the breed of noble bloods!
    When went there by an age, since the great flood,
    But it was famed with more than with one man?
    When could they say till now, that talk'd of Rome,
    That her wide walls encompass'd but one man?
    Now is it Rome indeed and room enough,
    When there is in it but one only man.
    O, you and I have heard our fathers say,
    There was a Brutus once that would have brook'd
    The eternal devil to keep his state in Rome
    As easily as a king.

BRUTUS

    That you do love me, I am nothing jealous;
    What you would work me to, I have some aim:
    How I have thought of this and of these times,
    I shall recount hereafter; for this present,
    I would not, so with love I might entreat you,
    Be any further moved. What you have said
    I will consider; what you have to say
    I will with patience hear, and find a time
    Both meet to hear and answer such high things.
    Till then, my noble friend, chew upon this:
    Brutus had rather be a villager
    Than to repute himself a son of Rome
    Under these hard conditions as this time
    Is like to lay upon us.

CASSIUS

    I am glad that my weak words
    Have struck but thus much show of fire from Brutus.

BRUTUS

    The games are done and Caesar is returning.

CASSIUS

    As they pass by, pluck Casca by the sleeve;
    And he will, after his sour fashion, tell you
    What hath proceeded worthy note to-day.

    Re-enter CAESAR and his Train

BRUTUS

    I will do so. But, look you, Cassius,
    The angry spot doth glow on Caesar's brow,
    And all the rest look like a chidden train:
    Calpurnia's cheek is pale; and Cicero
    Looks with such ferret and such fiery eyes
    As we have seen him in the Capitol,
    Being cross'd in conference by some senators.

CASSIUS

    Casca will tell us what the matter is.

CAESAR

    Antonius!

ANTONY

    Caesar?

CAESAR

    Let me have men about me that are fat;
    Sleek-headed men and such as sleep o' nights:
    Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look;
    He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.

ANTONY

    Fear him not, Caesar; he's not dangerous;
    He is a noble Roman and well given.

CAESAR

    Would he were fatter! But I fear him not:
    Yet if my name were liable to fear,
    I do not know the man I should avoid
    So soon as that spare Cassius. He reads much;
    He is a great observer and he looks
    Quite through the deeds of men: he loves no plays,
    As thou dost, Antony; he hears no music;
    Seldom he smiles, and smiles in such a sort
    As if he mock'd himself and scorn'd his spirit
    That could be moved to smile at any thing.
    Such men as he be never at heart's ease
    Whiles they behold a greater than themselves,
    And therefore are they very dangerous.
    I rather tell thee what is to be fear'd
    Than what I fear; for always I am Caesar.
    Come on my right hand, for this ear is deaf,
    And tell me truly what thou think'st of him.

    Sennet. Exeunt CAESAR and all his Train, but CASCA

CASCA

    You pull'd me by the cloak; would you speak with me?

BRUTUS

    Ay, Casca; tell us what hath chanced to-day,
    That Caesar looks so sad.

CASCA

    Why, you were with him, were you not?

BRUTUS

    I should not then ask Casca what had chanced.

CASCA

    Why, there was a crown offered him: and being
    offered him, he put it by with the back of his hand,
    thus; and then the people fell a-shouting.

BRUTUS

    What was the second noise for?

CASCA

    Why, for that too.

CASSIUS

    They shouted thrice: what was the last cry for?

CASCA

    Why, for that too.

BRUTUS

    Was the crown offered him thrice?

CASCA

    Ay, marry, was't, and he put it by thrice, every
    time gentler than other, and at every putting-by
    mine honest neighbours shouted.

CASSIUS

    Who offered him the crown?

CASCA

    Why, Antony.

BRUTUS

    Tell us the manner of it, gentle Casca.

CASCA

    I can as well be hanged as tell the manner of it:
    it was mere foolery; I did not mark it. I saw Mark
    Antony offer him a crown;--yet 'twas not a crown
    neither, 'twas one of these coronets;--and, as I told
    you, he put it by once: but, for all that, to my
    thinking, he would fain have had it. Then he
    offered it to him again; then he put it by again:
    but, to my thinking, he was very loath to lay his
    fingers off it. And then he offered it the third
    time; he put it the third time by: and still as he
    refused it, the rabblement hooted and clapped their
    chapped hands and threw up their sweaty night-caps
    and uttered such a deal of stinking breath because
    Caesar refused the crown that it had almost choked
    Caesar; for he swounded and fell down at it: and
    for mine own part, I durst not laugh, for fear of
    opening my lips and receiving the bad air.

CASSIUS

    But, soft, I pray you: what, did Caesar swound?

CASCA

    He fell down in the market-place, and foamed at
    mouth, and was speechless.

BRUTUS

    'Tis very like: he hath the failing sickness.

CASSIUS

    No, Caesar hath it not; but you and I,
    And honest Casca, we have the falling sickness.

CASCA

    I know not what you mean by that; but, I am sure,
    Caesar fell down. If the tag-rag people did not
    clap him and hiss him, according as he pleased and
    displeased them, as they use to do the players in
    the theatre, I am no true man.

BRUTUS

    What said he when he came unto himself?

CASCA

    Marry, before he fell down, when he perceived the
    common herd was glad he refused the crown, he
    plucked me ope his doublet and offered them his
    throat to cut. An I had been a man of any
    occupation, if I would not have taken him at a word,
    I would I might go to hell among the rogues. And so
    he fell. When he came to himself again, he said,
    If he had done or said any thing amiss, he desired
    their worships to think it was his infirmity. Three
    or four wenches, where I stood, cried 'Alas, good
    soul!' and forgave him with all their hearts: but
    there's no heed to be taken of them; if Caesar had
    stabbed their mothers, they would have done no less.

BRUTUS

    And after that, he came, thus sad, away?

CASCA

    Ay.

CASSIUS

    Did Cicero say any thing?

CASCA

    Ay, he spoke Greek.

CASSIUS

    To what effect?

CASCA

    Nay, an I tell you that, Ill ne'er look you i' the
    face again: but those that understood him smiled at
    one another and shook their heads; but, for mine own
    part, it was Greek to me. I could tell you more
    news too: Marullus and Flavius, for pulling scarfs
    off Caesar's images, are put to silence. Fare you
    well. There was more foolery yet, if I could
    remember it.

CASSIUS

    Will you sup with me to-night, Casca?

CASCA

    No, I am promised forth.

CASSIUS

    Will you dine with me to-morrow?

CASCA

    Ay, if I be alive and your mind hold and your dinner
    worth the eating.

CASSIUS

    Good: I will expect you.

CASCA

    Do so. Farewell, both.

    Exit

BRUTUS

    What a blunt fellow is this grown to be!
    He was quick mettle when he went to school.

CASSIUS

    So is he now in execution
    Of any bold or noble enterprise,
    However he puts on this tardy form.
    This rudeness is a sauce to his good wit,
    Which gives men stomach to digest his words
    With better appetite.

BRUTUS

    And so it is. For this time I will leave you:
    To-morrow, if you please to speak with me,
    I will come home to you; or, if you will,
    Come home to me, and I will wait for you.

CASSIUS

    I will do so: till then, think of the world.

    Exit BRUTUS
    Well, Brutus, thou art noble; yet, I see,
    Thy honourable metal may be wrought
    From that it is disposed: therefore it is meet
    That noble minds keep ever with their likes;
    For who so firm that cannot be seduced?
    Caesar doth bear me hard; but he loves Brutus:
    If I were Brutus now and he were Cassius,
    He should not humour me. I will this night,
    In several hands, in at his windows throw,
    As if they came from several citizens,
    Writings all tending to the great opinion
    That Rome holds of his name; wherein obscurely
    Caesar's ambition shall be glanced at:
    And after this let Caesar seat him sure;
    For we will shake him, or worse days endure.

    Exit

SCENE III. The same. A street.

    Thunder and lightning. Enter from opposite sides, CASCA, with his sword drawn, and CICERO 

CICERO

    Good even, Casca: brought you Caesar home?
    Why are you breathless? and why stare you so?

CASCA

    Are not you moved, when all the sway of earth
    Shakes like a thing unfirm? O Cicero,
    I have seen tempests, when the scolding winds
    Have rived the knotty oaks, and I have seen
    The ambitious ocean swell and rage and foam,
    To be exalted with the threatening clouds:
    But never till to-night, never till now,
    Did I go through a tempest dropping fire.
    Either there is a civil strife in heaven,
    Or else the world, too saucy with the gods,
    Incenses them to send destruction.

CICERO

    Why, saw you any thing more wonderful?

CASCA

    A common slave--you know him well by sight--
    Held up his left hand, which did flame and burn
    Like twenty torches join'd, and yet his hand,
    Not sensible of fire, remain'd unscorch'd.
    Besides--I ha' not since put up my sword--
    Against the Capitol I met a lion,
    Who glared upon me, and went surly by,
    Without annoying me: and there were drawn
    Upon a heap a hundred ghastly women,
    Transformed with their fear; who swore they saw
    Men all in fire walk up and down the streets.
    And yesterday the bird of night did sit
    Even at noon-day upon the market-place,
    Hooting and shrieking. When these prodigies
    Do so conjointly meet, let not men say
    'These are their reasons; they are natural;'
    For, I believe, they are portentous things
    Unto the climate that they point upon.

CICERO

    Indeed, it is a strange-disposed time:
    But men may construe things after their fashion,
    Clean from the purpose of the things themselves.
    Come Caesar to the Capitol to-morrow?

CASCA

    He doth; for he did bid Antonius
    Send word to you he would be there to-morrow.

CICERO

    Good night then, Casca: this disturbed sky
    Is not to walk in.

CASCA

    Farewell, Cicero.

    Exit CICERO

    Enter CASSIUS

CASSIUS

    Who's there?

CASCA

    A Roman.

CASSIUS

    Casca, by your voice.

CASCA

    Your ear is good. Cassius, what night is this!

CASSIUS

    A very pleasing night to honest men.

CASCA

    Who ever knew the heavens menace so?

CASSIUS

    Those that have known the earth so full of faults.
    For my part, I have walk'd about the streets,
    Submitting me unto the perilous night,
    And, thus unbraced, Casca, as you see,
    Have bared my bosom to the thunder-stone;
    And when the cross blue lightning seem'd to open
    The breast of heaven, I did present myself
    Even in the aim and very flash of it.

CASCA

    But wherefore did you so much tempt the heavens?
    It is the part of men to fear and tremble,
    When the most mighty gods by tokens send
    Such dreadful heralds to astonish us.

CASSIUS

    You are dull, Casca, and those sparks of life
    That should be in a Roman you do want,
    Or else you use not. You look pale and gaze
    And put on fear and cast yourself in wonder,
    To see the strange impatience of the heavens:
    But if you would consider the true cause
    Why all these fires, why all these gliding ghosts,
    Why birds and beasts from quality and kind,
    Why old men fool and children calculate,
    Why all these things change from their ordinance
    Their natures and preformed faculties
    To monstrous quality,--why, you shall find
    That heaven hath infused them with these spirits,
    To make them instruments of fear and warning
    Unto some monstrous state.
    Now could I, Casca, name to thee a man
    Most like this dreadful night,
    That thunders, lightens, opens graves, and roars
    As doth the lion in the Capitol,
    A man no mightier than thyself or me
    In personal action, yet prodigious grown
    And fearful, as these strange eruptions are.

CASCA

    'Tis Caesar that you mean; is it not, Cassius?

CASSIUS

    Let it be who it is: for Romans now
    Have thews and limbs like to their ancestors;
    But, woe the while! our fathers' minds are dead,
    And we are govern'd with our mothers' spirits;
    Our yoke and sufferance show us womanish.

CASCA

    Indeed, they say the senators tomorrow
    Mean to establish Caesar as a king;
    And he shall wear his crown by sea and land,
    In every place, save here in Italy.

CASSIUS

    I know where I will wear this dagger then;
    Cassius from bondage will deliver Cassius:
    Therein, ye gods, you make the weak most strong;
    Therein, ye gods, you tyrants do defeat:
    Nor stony tower, nor walls of beaten brass,
    Nor airless dungeon, nor strong links of iron,
    Can be retentive to the strength of spirit;
    But life, being weary of these worldly bars,
    Never lacks power to dismiss itself.
    If I know this, know all the world besides,
    That part of tyranny that I do bear
    I can shake off at pleasure.

    Thunder still

CASCA

    So can I:
    So every bondman in his own hand bears
    The power to cancel his captivity.

CASSIUS

    And why should Caesar be a tyrant then?
    Poor man! I know he would not be a wolf,
    But that he sees the Romans are but sheep:
    He were no lion, were not Romans hinds.
    Those that with haste will make a mighty fire
    Begin it with weak straws: what trash is Rome,
    What rubbish and what offal, when it serves
    For the base matter to illuminate
    So vile a thing as Caesar! But, O grief,
    Where hast thou led me? I perhaps speak this
    Before a willing bondman; then I know
    My answer must be made. But I am arm'd,
    And dangers are to me indifferent.

CASCA

    You speak to Casca, and to such a man
    That is no fleering tell-tale. Hold, my hand:
    Be factious for redress of all these griefs,
    And I will set this foot of mine as far
    As who goes farthest.

CASSIUS

    There's a bargain made.
    Now know you, Casca, I have moved already
    Some certain of the noblest-minded Romans
    To undergo with me an enterprise
    Of honourable-dangerous consequence;
    And I do know, by this, they stay for me
    In Pompey's porch: for now, this fearful night,
    There is no stir or walking in the streets;
    And the complexion of the element
    In favour's like the work we have in hand,
    Most bloody, fiery, and most terrible.

CASCA

    Stand close awhile, for here comes one in haste.

CASSIUS

    'Tis Cinna; I do know him by his gait;
    He is a friend.

    Enter CINNA
    Cinna, where haste you so?

CINNA

    To find out you. Who's that? Metellus Cimber?

CASSIUS

    No, it is Casca; one incorporate
    To our attempts. Am I not stay'd for, Cinna?

CINNA

    I am glad on 't. What a fearful night is this!
    There's two or three of us have seen strange sights.

CASSIUS

    Am I not stay'd for? tell me.

CINNA

    Yes, you are.
    O Cassius, if you could
    But win the noble Brutus to our party--

CASSIUS

    Be you content: good Cinna, take this paper,
    And look you lay it in the praetor's chair,
    Where Brutus may but find it; and throw this
    In at his window; set this up with wax
    Upon old Brutus' statue: all this done,
    Repair to Pompey's porch, where you shall find us.
    Is Decius Brutus and Trebonius there?

CINNA

    All but Metellus Cimber; and he's gone
    To seek you at your house. Well, I will hie,
    And so bestow these papers as you bade me.

CASSIUS

    That done, repair to Pompey's theatre.

    Exit CINNA
    Come, Casca, you and I will yet ere day
    See Brutus at his house: three parts of him
    Is ours already, and the man entire
    Upon the next encounter yields him ours.

CASCA

    O, he sits high in all the people's hearts:
    And that which would appear offence in us,
    His countenance, like richest alchemy,
    Will change to virtue and to worthiness.

CASSIUS

    Him and his worth and our great need of him
    You have right well conceited. Let us go,
    For it is after midnight; and ere day
    We will awake him and be sure of him.

    Exeunt

ACT II
SCENE I. Rome. BRUTUS's orchard.

    Enter BRUTUS 

BRUTUS

    What, Lucius, ho!
    I cannot, by the progress of the stars,
    Give guess how near to day. Lucius, I say!
    I would it were my fault to sleep so soundly.
    When, Lucius, when? awake, I say! what, Lucius!

    Enter LUCIUS

LUCIUS

    Call'd you, my lord?

BRUTUS

    Get me a taper in my study, Lucius:
    When it is lighted, come and call me here.

LUCIUS

    I will, my lord.

    Exit

BRUTUS

    It must be by his death: and for my part,
    I know no personal cause to spurn at him,
    But for the general. He would be crown'd:
    How that might change his nature, there's the question.
    It is the bright day that brings forth the adder;
    And that craves wary walking. Crown him?--that;--
    And then, I grant, we put a sting in him,
    That at his will he may do danger with.
    The abuse of greatness is, when it disjoins
    Remorse from power: and, to speak truth of Caesar,
    I have not known when his affections sway'd
    More than his reason. But 'tis a common proof,
    That lowliness is young ambition's ladder,
    Whereto the climber-upward turns his face;
    But when he once attains the upmost round.
    He then unto the ladder turns his back,
    Looks in the clouds, scorning the base degrees
    By which he did ascend. So Caesar may.
    Then, lest he may, prevent. And, since the quarrel
    Will bear no colour for the thing he is,
    Fashion it thus; that what he is, augmented,
    Would run to these and these extremities:
    And therefore think him as a serpent's egg
    Which, hatch'd, would, as his kind, grow mischievous,
    And kill him in the shell.

    Re-enter LUCIUS

LUCIUS

    The taper burneth in your closet, sir.
    Searching the window for a flint, I found
    This paper, thus seal'd up; and, I am sure,
    It did not lie there when I went to bed.

    Gives him the letter

BRUTUS

    Get you to bed again; it is not day.
    Is not to-morrow, boy, the ides of March?

LUCIUS

    I know not, sir.

BRUTUS

    Look in the calendar, and bring me word.

LUCIUS

    I will, sir.

    Exit

BRUTUS

    The exhalations whizzing in the air
    Give so much light that I may read by them.

    Opens the letter and reads
    'Brutus, thou sleep'st: awake, and see thyself.
    Shall Rome, & c. Speak, strike, redress!
    Brutus, thou sleep'st: awake!'
    Such instigations have been often dropp'd
    Where I have took them up.
    'Shall Rome, & c.' Thus must I piece it out:
    Shall Rome stand under one man's awe? What, Rome?
    My ancestors did from the streets of Rome
    The Tarquin drive, when he was call'd a king.
    'Speak, strike, redress!' Am I entreated
    To speak and strike? O Rome, I make thee promise:
    If the redress will follow, thou receivest
    Thy full petition at the hand of Brutus!

    Re-enter LUCIUS

LUCIUS

    Sir, March is wasted fourteen days.

    Knocking within

BRUTUS

    'Tis good. Go to the gate; somebody knocks.

    Exit LUCIUS
    Since Cassius first did whet me against Caesar,
    I have not slept.
    Between the acting of a dreadful thing
    And the first motion, all the interim is
    Like a phantasma, or a hideous dream:
    The Genius and the mortal instruments
    Are then in council; and the state of man,
    Like to a little kingdom, suffers then
    The nature of an insurrection.

    Re-enter LUCIUS

LUCIUS

    Sir, 'tis your brother Cassius at the door,
    Who doth desire to see you.

BRUTUS

    Is he alone?

LUCIUS

    No, sir, there are moe with him.

BRUTUS

    Do you know them?

LUCIUS

    No, sir; their hats are pluck'd about their ears,
    And half their faces buried in their cloaks,
    That by no means I may discover them
    By any mark of favour.

BRUTUS

    Let 'em enter.

    Exit LUCIUS
    They are the faction. O conspiracy,
    Shamest thou to show thy dangerous brow by night,
    When evils are most free? O, then by day
    Where wilt thou find a cavern dark enough
    To mask thy monstrous visage? Seek none, conspiracy;
    Hide it in smiles and affability:
    For if thou path, thy native semblance on,
    Not Erebus itself were dim enough
    To hide thee from prevention.

    Enter the conspirators, CASSIUS, CASCA, DECIUS BRUTUS, CINNA, METELLUS CIMBER, and TREBONIUS

CASSIUS

    I think we are too bold upon your rest:
    Good morrow, Brutus; do we trouble you?

BRUTUS

    I have been up this hour, awake all night.
    Know I these men that come along with you?

CASSIUS

    Yes, every man of them, and no man here
    But honours you; and every one doth wish
    You had but that opinion of yourself
    Which every noble Roman bears of you.
    This is Trebonius.

BRUTUS

    He is welcome hither.

CASSIUS

    This, Decius Brutus.

BRUTUS

    He is welcome too.

CASSIUS

    This, Casca; this, Cinna; and this, Metellus Cimber.

BRUTUS

    They are all welcome.
    What watchful cares do interpose themselves
    Betwixt your eyes and night?

CASSIUS

    Shall I entreat a word?

    BRUTUS and CASSIUS whisper

DECIUS BRUTUS

    Here lies the east: doth not the day break here?

CASCA

    No.

CINNA

    O, pardon, sir, it doth; and yon gray lines
    That fret the clouds are messengers of day.

CASCA

    You shall confess that you are both deceived.
    Here, as I point my sword, the sun arises,
    Which is a great way growing on the south,
    Weighing the youthful season of the year.
    Some two months hence up higher toward the north
    He first presents his fire; and the high east
    Stands, as the Capitol, directly here.

BRUTUS

    Give me your hands all over, one by one.

CASSIUS

    And let us swear our resolution.

BRUTUS

    No, not an oath: if not the face of men,
    The sufferance of our souls, the time's abuse,--
    If these be motives weak, break off betimes,
    And every man hence to his idle bed;
    So let high-sighted tyranny range on,
    Till each man drop by lottery. But if these,
    As I am sure they do, bear fire enough
    To kindle cowards and to steel with valour
    The melting spirits of women, then, countrymen,
    What need we any spur but our own cause,
    To prick us to redress? what other bond
    Than secret Romans, that have spoke the word,
    And will not palter? and what other oath
    Than honesty to honesty engaged,
    That this shall be, or we will fall for it?
    Swear priests and cowards and men cautelous,
    Old feeble carrions and such suffering souls
    That welcome wrongs; unto bad causes swear
    Such creatures as men doubt; but do not stain
    The even virtue of our enterprise,
    Nor the insuppressive mettle of our spirits,
    To think that or our cause or our performance
    Did need an oath; when every drop of blood
    That every Roman bears, and nobly bears,
    Is guilty of a several bastardy,
    If he do break the smallest particle
    Of any promise that hath pass'd from him.

CASSIUS

    But what of Cicero? shall we sound him?
    I think he will stand very strong with us.

CASCA

    Let us not leave him out.

CINNA

    No, by no means.

METELLUS CIMBER

    O, let us have him, for his silver hairs
    Will purchase us a good opinion
    And buy men's voices to commend our deeds:
    It shall be said, his judgment ruled our hands;
    Our youths and wildness shall no whit appear,
    But all be buried in his gravity.

BRUTUS

    O, name him not: let us not break with him;
    For he will never follow any thing
    That other men begin.

CASSIUS

    Then leave him out.

CASCA

    Indeed he is not fit.

DECIUS BRUTUS

    Shall no man else be touch'd but only Caesar?

CASSIUS

    Decius, well urged: I think it is not meet,
    Mark Antony, so well beloved of Caesar,
    Should outlive Caesar: we shall find of him
    A shrewd contriver; and, you know, his means,
    If he improve them, may well stretch so far
    As to annoy us all: which to prevent,
    Let Antony and Caesar fall together.

BRUTUS

    Our course will seem too bloody, Caius Cassius,
    To cut the head off and then hack the limbs,
    Like wrath in death and envy afterwards;
    For Antony is but a limb of Caesar:
    Let us be sacrificers, but not butchers, Caius.
    We all stand up against the spirit of Caesar;
    And in the spirit of men there is no blood:
    O, that we then could come by Caesar's spirit,
    And not dismember Caesar! But, alas,
    Caesar must bleed for it! And, gentle friends,
    Let's kill him boldly, but not wrathfully;
    Let's carve him as a dish fit for the gods,
    Not hew him as a carcass fit for hounds:
    And let our hearts, as subtle masters do,
    Stir up their servants to an act of rage,
    And after seem to chide 'em. This shall make
    Our purpose necessary and not envious:
    Which so appearing to the common eyes,
    We shall be call'd purgers, not murderers.
    And for Mark Antony, think not of him;
    For he can do no more than Caesar's arm
    When Caesar's head is off.

CASSIUS

    Yet I fear him;
    For in the ingrafted love he bears to Caesar--

BRUTUS

    Alas, good Cassius, do not think of him:
    If he love Caesar, all that he can do
    Is to himself, take thought and die for Caesar:
    And that were much he should; for he is given
    To sports, to wildness and much company.

TREBONIUS

    There is no fear in him; let him not die;
    For he will live, and laugh at this hereafter.

    Clock strikes

BRUTUS

    Peace! count the clock.

CASSIUS

    The clock hath stricken three.

TREBONIUS

    'Tis time to part.

CASSIUS

    But it is doubtful yet,
    Whether Caesar will come forth to-day, or no;
    For he is superstitious grown of late,
    Quite from the main opinion he held once
    Of fantasy, of dreams and ceremonies:
    It may be, these apparent prodigies,
    The unaccustom'd terror of this night,
    And the persuasion of his augurers,
    May hold him from the Capitol to-day.

DECIUS BRUTUS

    Never fear that: if he be so resolved,
    I can o'ersway him; for he loves to hear
    That unicorns may be betray'd with trees,
    And bears with glasses, elephants with holes,
    Lions with toils and men with flatterers;
    But when I tell him he hates flatterers,
    He says he does, being then most flattered.
    Let me work;
    For I can give his humour the true bent,
    And I will bring him to the Capitol.

CASSIUS

    Nay, we will all of us be there to fetch him.

BRUTUS

    By the eighth hour: is that the uttermost?

CINNA

    Be that the uttermost, and fail not then.

METELLUS CIMBER

    Caius Ligarius doth bear Caesar hard,
    Who rated him for speaking well of Pompey:
    I wonder none of you have thought of him.

BRUTUS

    Now, good Metellus, go along by him:
    He loves me well, and I have given him reasons;
    Send him but hither, and I'll fashion him.

CASSIUS

    The morning comes upon 's: we'll leave you, Brutus.
    And, friends, disperse yourselves; but all remember
    What you have said, and show yourselves true Romans.

BRUTUS

    Good gentlemen, look fresh and merrily;
    Let not our looks put on our purposes,
    But bear it as our Roman actors do,
    With untired spirits and formal constancy:
    And so good morrow to you every one.

    Exeunt all but BRUTUS
    Boy! Lucius! Fast asleep? It is no matter;
    Enjoy the honey-heavy dew of slumber:
    Thou hast no figures nor no fantasies,
    Which busy care draws in the brains of men;
    Therefore thou sleep'st so sound.

    Enter PORTIA

PORTIA

    Brutus, my lord!

BRUTUS

    Portia, what mean you? wherefore rise you now?
    It is not for your health thus to commit
    Your weak condition to the raw cold morning.

PORTIA

    Nor for yours neither. You've ungently, Brutus,
    Stole from my bed: and yesternight, at supper,
    You suddenly arose, and walk'd about,
    Musing and sighing, with your arms across,
    And when I ask'd you what the matter was,
    You stared upon me with ungentle looks;
    I urged you further; then you scratch'd your head,
    And too impatiently stamp'd with your foot;
    Yet I insisted, yet you answer'd not,
    But, with an angry wafture of your hand,
    Gave sign for me to leave you: so I did;
    Fearing to strengthen that impatience
    Which seem'd too much enkindled, and withal
    Hoping it was but an effect of humour,
    Which sometime hath his hour with every man.
    It will not let you eat, nor talk, nor sleep,
    And could it work so much upon your shape
    As it hath much prevail'd on your condition,
    I should not know you, Brutus. Dear my lord,
    Make me acquainted with your cause of grief.

BRUTUS

    I am not well in health, and that is all.

PORTIA

    Brutus is wise, and, were he not in health,
    He would embrace the means to come by it.

BRUTUS

    Why, so I do. Good Portia, go to bed.

PORTIA

    Is Brutus sick? and is it physical
    To walk unbraced and suck up the humours
    Of the dank morning? What, is Brutus sick,
    And will he steal out of his wholesome bed,
    To dare the vile contagion of the night
    And tempt the rheumy and unpurged air
    To add unto his sickness? No, my Brutus;
    You have some sick offence within your mind,
    Which, by the right and virtue of my place,
    I ought to know of: and, upon my knees,
    I charm you, by my once-commended beauty,
    By all your vows of love and that great vow
    Which did incorporate and make us one,
    That you unfold to me, yourself, your half,
    Why you are heavy, and what men to-night
    Have had to resort to you: for here have been
    Some six or seven, who did hide their faces
    Even from darkness.

BRUTUS

    Kneel not, gentle Portia.

PORTIA

    I should not need, if you were gentle Brutus.
    Within the bond of marriage, tell me, Brutus,
    Is it excepted I should know no secrets
    That appertain to you? Am I yourself
    But, as it were, in sort or limitation,
    To keep with you at meals, comfort your bed,
    And talk to you sometimes? Dwell I but in the suburbs
    Of your good pleasure? If it be no more,
    Portia is Brutus' harlot, not his wife.

BRUTUS

    You are my true and honourable wife,
    As dear to me as are the ruddy drops
    That visit my sad heart

PORTIA

    If this were true, then should I know this secret.
    I grant I am a woman; but withal
    A woman that Lord Brutus took to wife:
    I grant I am a woman; but withal
    A woman well-reputed, Cato's daughter.
    Think you I am no stronger than my sex,
    Being so father'd and so husbanded?
    Tell me your counsels, I will not disclose 'em:
    I have made strong proof of my constancy,
    Giving myself a voluntary wound
    Here, in the thigh: can I bear that with patience.
    And not my husband's secrets?

BRUTUS

    O ye gods,
    Render me worthy of this noble wife!

    Knocking within
    Hark, hark! one knocks: Portia, go in awhile;
    And by and by thy bosom shall partake
    The secrets of my heart.
    All my engagements I will construe to thee,
    All the charactery of my sad brows:
    Leave me with haste.

    Exit PORTIA
    Lucius, who's that knocks?

    Re-enter LUCIUS with LIGARIUS

LUCIUS

    He is a sick man that would speak with you.

BRUTUS

    Caius Ligarius, that Metellus spake of.
    Boy, stand aside. Caius Ligarius! how?

LIGARIUS

    Vouchsafe good morrow from a feeble tongue.

BRUTUS

    O, what a time have you chose out, brave Caius,
    To wear a kerchief! Would you were not sick!

LIGARIUS

    I am not sick, if Brutus have in hand
    Any exploit worthy the name of honour.

BRUTUS

    Such an exploit have I in hand, Ligarius,
    Had you a healthful ear to hear of it.

LIGARIUS

    By all the gods that Romans bow before,
    I here discard my sickness! Soul of Rome!
    Brave son, derived from honourable loins!
    Thou, like an exorcist, hast conjured up
    My mortified spirit. Now bid me run,
    And I will strive with things impossible;
    Yea, get the better of them. What's to do?

BRUTUS

    A piece of work that will make sick men whole.

LIGARIUS

    But are not some whole that we must make sick?

BRUTUS

    That must we also. What it is, my Caius,
    I shall unfold to thee, as we are going
    To whom it must be done.

LIGARIUS

    Set on your foot,
    And with a heart new-fired I follow you,
    To do I know not what: but it sufficeth
    That Brutus leads me on.

BRUTUS

    Follow me, then.

    Exeunt

SCENE II. CAESAR's house.

    Thunder and lightning. Enter CAESAR, in his night-gown 

CAESAR

    Nor heaven nor earth have been at peace to-night:
    Thrice hath Calpurnia in her sleep cried out,
    'Help, ho! they murder Caesar!' Who's within?

    Enter a Servant

Servant

    My lord?

CAESAR

    Go bid the priests do present sacrifice
    And bring me their opinions of success.

Servant

    I will, my lord.

    Exit

    Enter CALPURNIA

CALPURNIA

    What mean you, Caesar? think you to walk forth?
    You shall not stir out of your house to-day.

CAESAR

    Caesar shall forth: the things that threaten'd me
    Ne'er look'd but on my back; when they shall see
    The face of Caesar, they are vanished.

CALPURNIA

    Caesar, I never stood on ceremonies,
    Yet now they fright me. There is one within,
    Besides the things that we have heard and seen,
    Recounts most horrid sights seen by the watch.
    A lioness hath whelped in the streets;
    And graves have yawn'd, and yielded up their dead;
    Fierce fiery warriors fought upon the clouds,
    In ranks and squadrons and right form of war,
    Which drizzled blood upon the Capitol;
    The noise of battle hurtled in the air,
    Horses did neigh, and dying men did groan,
    And ghosts did shriek and squeal about the streets.
    O Caesar! these things are beyond all use,
    And I do fear them.

CAESAR

    What can be avoided
    Whose end is purposed by the mighty gods?
    Yet Caesar shall go forth; for these predictions
    Are to the world in general as to Caesar.

CALPURNIA

    When beggars die, there are no comets seen;
    The heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes.

CAESAR

    Cowards die many times before their deaths;
    The valiant never taste of death but once.
    Of all the wonders that I yet have heard.
    It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
    Seeing that death, a necessary end,
    Will come when it will come.

    Re-enter Servant
    What say the augurers?

Servant

    They would not have you to stir forth to-day.
    Plucking the entrails of an offering forth,
    They could not find a heart within the beast.

CAESAR

    The gods do this in shame of cowardice:
    Caesar should be a beast without a heart,
    If he should stay at home to-day for fear.
    No, Caesar shall not: danger knows full well
    That Caesar is more dangerous than he:
    We are two lions litter'd in one day,
    And I the elder and more terrible:
    And Caesar shall go forth.

CALPURNIA

    Alas, my lord,
    Your wisdom is consumed in confidence.
    Do not go forth to-day: call it my fear
    That keeps you in the house, and not your own.
    We'll send Mark Antony to the senate-house:
    And he shall say you are not well to-day:
    Let me, upon my knee, prevail in this.

CAESAR

    Mark Antony shall say I am not well,
    And, for thy humour, I will stay at home.

    Enter DECIUS BRUTUS
    Here's Decius Brutus, he shall tell them so.

DECIUS BRUTUS

    Caesar, all hail! good morrow, worthy Caesar:
    I come to fetch you to the senate-house.

CAESAR

    And you are come in very happy time,
    To bear my greeting to the senators
    And tell them that I will not come to-day:
    Cannot, is false, and that I dare not, falser:
    I will not come to-day: tell them so, Decius.

CALPURNIA

    Say he is sick.

CAESAR

    Shall Caesar send a lie?
    Have I in conquest stretch'd mine arm so far,
    To be afraid to tell graybeards the truth?
    Decius, go tell them Caesar will not come.

DECIUS BRUTUS

    Most mighty Caesar, let me know some cause,
    Lest I be laugh'd at when I tell them so.

CAESAR

    The cause is in my will: I will not come;
    That is enough to satisfy the senate.
    But for your private satisfaction,
    Because I love you, I will let you know:
    Calpurnia here, my wife, stays me at home:
    She dreamt to-night she saw my statua,
    Which, like a fountain with an hundred spouts,
    Did run pure blood: and many lusty Romans
    Came smiling, and did bathe their hands in it:
    And these does she apply for warnings, and portents,
    And evils imminent; and on her knee
    Hath begg'd that I will stay at home to-day.

DECIUS BRUTUS

    This dream is all amiss interpreted;
    It was a vision fair and fortunate:
    Your statue spouting blood in many pipes,
    In which so many smiling Romans bathed,
    Signifies that from you great Rome shall suck
    Reviving blood, and that great men shall press
    For tinctures, stains, relics and cognizance.
    This by Calpurnia's dream is signified.

CAESAR

    And this way have you well expounded it.

DECIUS BRUTUS

    I have, when you have heard what I can say:
    And know it now: the senate have concluded
    To give this day a crown to mighty Caesar.
    If you shall send them word you will not come,
    Their minds may change. Besides, it were a mock
    Apt to be render'd, for some one to say
    'Break up the senate till another time,
    When Caesar's wife shall meet with better dreams.'
    If Caesar hide himself, shall they not whisper
    'Lo, Caesar is afraid'?
    Pardon me, Caesar; for my dear dear love
    To our proceeding bids me tell you this;
    And reason to my love is liable.

CAESAR

    How foolish do your fears seem now, Calpurnia!
    I am ashamed I did yield to them.
    Give me my robe, for I will go.

    Enter PUBLIUS, BRUTUS, LIGARIUS, METELLUS, CASCA, TREBONIUS, and CINNA
    And look where Publius is come to fetch me.

PUBLIUS

    Good morrow, Caesar.

CAESAR

    Welcome, Publius.
    What, Brutus, are you stirr'd so early too?
    Good morrow, Casca. Caius Ligarius,
    Caesar was ne'er so much your enemy
    As that same ague which hath made you lean.
    What is 't o'clock?

BRUTUS

    Caesar, 'tis strucken eight.

CAESAR

    I thank you for your pains and courtesy.

    Enter ANTONY
    See! Antony, that revels long o' nights,
    Is notwithstanding up. Good morrow, Antony.

ANTONY

    So to most noble Caesar.

CAESAR

    Bid them prepare within:
    I am to blame to be thus waited for.
    Now, Cinna: now, Metellus: what, Trebonius!
    I have an hour's talk in store for you;
    Remember that you call on me to-day:
    Be near me, that I may remember you.

TREBONIUS

    Caesar, I will:

    Aside
    and so near will I be,
    That your best friends shall wish I had been further.

CAESAR

    Good friends, go in, and taste some wine with me;
    And we, like friends, will straightway go together.

BRUTUS

    [Aside] That every like is not the same, O Caesar,
    The heart of Brutus yearns to think upon!

    Exeunt

SCENE III. A street near the Capitol.

    Enter ARTEMIDORUS, reading a paper 

ARTEMIDORUS

    'Caesar, beware of Brutus; take heed of Cassius;
    come not near Casca; have an eye to Cinna, trust not
    Trebonius: mark well Metellus Cimber: Decius Brutus
    loves thee not: thou hast wronged Caius Ligarius.
    There is but one mind in all these men, and it is
    bent against Caesar. If thou beest not immortal,
    look about you: security gives way to conspiracy.
    The mighty gods defend thee! Thy lover,
    'ARTEMIDORUS.'
    Here will I stand till Caesar pass along,
    And as a suitor will I give him this.
    My heart laments that virtue cannot live
    Out of the teeth of emulation.
    If thou read this, O Caesar, thou mayst live;
    If not, the Fates with traitors do contrive.

    Exit

SCENE IV. Another part of the same street, before the house of BRUTUS.

    Enter PORTIA and LUCIUS 

PORTIA

    I prithee, boy, run to the senate-house;
    Stay not to answer me, but get thee gone:
    Why dost thou stay?

LUCIUS

    To know my errand, madam.

PORTIA

    I would have had thee there, and here again,
    Ere I can tell thee what thou shouldst do there.
    O constancy, be strong upon my side,
    Set a huge mountain 'tween my heart and tongue!
    I have a man's mind, but a woman's might.
    How hard it is for women to keep counsel!
    Art thou here yet?

LUCIUS

    Madam, what should I do?
    Run to the Capitol, and nothing else?
    And so return to you, and nothing else?

PORTIA

    Yes, bring me word, boy, if thy lord look well,
    For he went sickly forth: and take good note
    What Caesar doth, what suitors press to him.
    Hark, boy! what noise is that?

LUCIUS

    I hear none, madam.

PORTIA

    Prithee, listen well;
    I heard a bustling rumour, like a fray,
    And the wind brings it from the Capitol.

LUCIUS

    Sooth, madam, I hear nothing.

    Enter the Soothsayer

PORTIA

    Come hither, fellow: which way hast thou been?

Soothsayer

    At mine own house, good lady.

PORTIA

    What is't o'clock?

Soothsayer

    About the ninth hour, lady.

PORTIA

    Is Caesar yet gone to the Capitol?

Soothsayer

    Madam, not yet: I go to take my stand,
    To see him pass on to the Capitol.

PORTIA

    Thou hast some suit to Caesar, hast thou not?

Soothsayer

    That I have, lady: if it will please Caesar
    To be so good to Caesar as to hear me,
    I shall beseech him to befriend himself.

PORTIA

    Why, know'st thou any harm's intended towards him?

Soothsayer

    None that I know will be, much that I fear may chance.
    Good morrow to you. Here the street is narrow:
    The throng that follows Caesar at the heels,
    Of senators, of praetors, common suitors,
    Will crowd a feeble man almost to death:
    I'll get me to a place more void, and there
    Speak to great Caesar as he comes along.

    Exit

PORTIA

    I must go in. Ay me, how weak a thing
    The heart of woman is! O Brutus,
    The heavens speed thee in thine enterprise!
    Sure, the boy heard me: Brutus hath a suit
    That Caesar will not grant. O, I grow faint.
    Run, Lucius, and commend me to my lord;
    Say I am merry: come to me again,
    And bring me word what he doth say to thee.

    Exeunt severally

ACT III
SCENE I. Rome. Before the Capitol; the Senate sitting above.

    A crowd of people; among them ARTEMIDORUS and the Soothsayer. Flourish. Enter CAESAR, BRUTUS, CASSIUS, CASCA, DECIUS BRUTUS, METELLUS CIMBER, TREBONIUS, CINNA, ANTONY, LEPIDUS, POPILIUS, PUBLIUS, and others 

CAESAR

    [To the Soothsayer] The ides of March are come.

Soothsayer

    Ay, Caesar; but not gone.

ARTEMIDORUS

    Hail, Caesar! read this schedule.

DECIUS BRUTUS

    Trebonius doth desire you to o'erread,
    At your best leisure, this his humble suit.

ARTEMIDORUS

    O Caesar, read mine first; for mine's a suit
    That touches Caesar nearer: read it, great Caesar.

CAESAR

    What touches us ourself shall be last served.

ARTEMIDORUS

    Delay not, Caesar; read it instantly.

CAESAR

    What, is the fellow mad?

PUBLIUS

    Sirrah, give place.

CASSIUS

    What, urge you your petitions in the street?
    Come to the Capitol.

    CAESAR goes up to the Senate-House, the rest following

POPILIUS

    I wish your enterprise to-day may thrive.

CASSIUS

    What enterprise, Popilius?

POPILIUS

    Fare you well.

    Advances to CAESAR

BRUTUS

    What said Popilius Lena?

CASSIUS

    He wish'd to-day our enterprise might thrive.
    I fear our purpose is discovered.

BRUTUS

    Look, how he makes to Caesar; mark him.

CASSIUS

    Casca, be sudden, for we fear prevention.
    Brutus, what shall be done? If this be known,
    Cassius or Caesar never shall turn back,
    For I will slay myself.

BRUTUS

    Cassius, be constant:
    Popilius Lena speaks not of our purposes;
    For, look, he smiles, and Caesar doth not change.

CASSIUS

    Trebonius knows his time; for, look you, Brutus.
    He draws Mark Antony out of the way.

    Exeunt ANTONY and TREBONIUS

DECIUS BRUTUS

    Where is Metellus Cimber? Let him go,
    And presently prefer his suit to Caesar.

BRUTUS

    He is address'd: press near and second him.

CINNA

    Casca, you are the first that rears your hand.

CAESAR

    Are we all ready? What is now amiss
    That Caesar and his senate must redress?

METELLUS CIMBER

    Most high, most mighty, and most puissant Caesar,
    Metellus Cimber throws before thy seat
    An humble heart,--

    Kneeling

CAESAR

    I must prevent thee, Cimber.
    These couchings and these lowly courtesies
    Might fire the blood of ordinary men,
    And turn pre-ordinance and first decree
    Into the law of children. Be not fond,
    To think that Caesar bears such rebel blood
    That will be thaw'd from the true quality
    With that which melteth fools; I mean, sweet words,
    Low-crooked court'sies and base spaniel-fawning.
    Thy brother by decree is banished:
    If thou dost bend and pray and fawn for him,
    I spurn thee like a cur out of my way.
    Know, Caesar doth not wrong, nor without cause
    Will he be satisfied.

METELLUS CIMBER

    Is there no voice more worthy than my own
    To sound more sweetly in great Caesar's ear
    For the repealing of my banish'd brother?

BRUTUS

    I kiss thy hand, but not in flattery, Caesar;
    Desiring thee that Publius Cimber may
    Have an immediate freedom of repeal.

CAESAR

    What, Brutus!

CASSIUS

    Pardon, Caesar; Caesar, pardon:
    As low as to thy foot doth Cassius fall,
    To beg enfranchisement for Publius Cimber.

CASSIUS

    I could be well moved, if I were as you:
    If I could pray to move, prayers would move me:
    But I am constant as the northern star,
    Of whose true-fix'd and resting quality
    There is no fellow in the firmament.
    The skies are painted with unnumber'd sparks,
    They are all fire and every one doth shine,
    But there's but one in all doth hold his place:
    So in the world; 'tis furnish'd well with men,
    And men are flesh and blood, and apprehensive;
    Yet in the number I do know but one
    That unassailable holds on his rank,
    Unshaked of motion: and that I am he,
    Let me a little show it, even in this;
    That I was constant Cimber should be banish'd,
    And constant do remain to keep him so.

CINNA

    O Caesar,--

CAESAR

    Hence! wilt thou lift up Olympus?

DECIUS BRUTUS

    Great Caesar,--

CAESAR

    Doth not Brutus bootless kneel?

CASCA

    Speak, hands for me!

    CASCA first, then the other Conspirators and BRUTUS stab CAESAR

CAESAR

    Et tu, Brute! Then fall, Caesar.

    Dies

CINNA

    Liberty! Freedom! Tyranny is dead!
    Run hence, proclaim, cry it about the streets.

CASSIUS

    Some to the common pulpits, and cry out
    'Liberty, freedom, and enfranchisement!'

BRUTUS

    People and senators, be not affrighted;
    Fly not; stand stiff: ambition's debt is paid.

CASCA

    Go to the pulpit, Brutus.

DECIUS BRUTUS

    And Cassius too.

BRUTUS

    Where's Publius?

CINNA

    Here, quite confounded with this mutiny.

METELLUS CIMBER

    Stand fast together, lest some friend of Caesar's
    Should chance--

BRUTUS

    Talk not of standing. Publius, good cheer;
    There is no harm intended to your person,
    Nor to no Roman else: so tell them, Publius.

CASSIUS

    And leave us, Publius; lest that the people,
    Rushing on us, should do your age some mischief.

BRUTUS

    Do so: and let no man abide this deed,
    But we the doers.

    Re-enter TREBONIUS

CASSIUS

    Where is Antony?

TREBONIUS

    Fled to his house amazed:
    Men, wives and children stare, cry out and run
    As it were doomsday.

BRUTUS

    Fates, we will know your pleasures:
    That we shall die, we know; 'tis but the time
    And drawing days out, that men stand upon.

CASSIUS

    Why, he that cuts off twenty years of life
    Cuts off so many years of fearing death.

BRUTUS

    Grant that, and then is death a benefit:
    So are we Caesar's friends, that have abridged
    His time of fearing death. Stoop, Romans, stoop,
    And let us bathe our hands in Caesar's blood
    Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords:
    Then walk we forth, even to the market-place,
    And, waving our red weapons o'er our heads,
    Let's all cry 'Peace, freedom and liberty!'

CASSIUS

    Stoop, then, and wash. How many ages hence
    Shall this our lofty scene be acted over
    In states unborn and accents yet unknown!

BRUTUS

    How many times shall Caesar bleed in sport,
    That now on Pompey's basis lies along
    No worthier than the dust!

CASSIUS

    So oft as that shall be,
    So often shall the knot of us be call'd
    The men that gave their country liberty.

DECIUS BRUTUS

    What, shall we forth?

CASSIUS

    Ay, every man away:
    Brutus shall lead; and we will grace his heels
    With the most boldest and best hearts of Rome.

    Enter a Servant

BRUTUS

    Soft! who comes here? A friend of Antony's.

Servant

    Thus, Brutus, did my master bid me kneel:
    Thus did Mark Antony bid me fall down;
    And, being prostrate, thus he bade me say:
    Brutus is noble, wise, valiant, and honest;
    Caesar was mighty, bold, royal, and loving:
    Say I love Brutus, and I honour him;
    Say I fear'd Caesar, honour'd him and loved him.
    If Brutus will vouchsafe that Antony
    May safely come to him, and be resolved
    How Caesar hath deserved to lie in death,
    Mark Antony shall not love Caesar dead
    So well as Brutus living; but will follow
    The fortunes and affairs of noble Brutus
    Thorough the hazards of this untrod state
    With all true faith. So says my master Antony.

BRUTUS

    Thy master is a wise and valiant Roman;
    I never thought him worse.
    Tell him, so please him come unto this place,
    He shall be satisfied; and, by my honour,
    Depart untouch'd.

Servant

    I'll fetch him presently.

    Exit

BRUTUS

    I know that we shall have him well to friend.

CASSIUS

    I wish we may: but yet have I a mind
    That fears him much; and my misgiving still
    Falls shrewdly to the purpose.

BRUTUS

    But here comes Antony.

    Re-enter ANTONY
    Welcome, Mark Antony.

ANTONY

    O mighty Caesar! dost thou lie so low?
    Are all thy conquests, glories, triumphs, spoils,
    Shrunk to this little measure? Fare thee well.
    I know not, gentlemen, what you intend,
    Who else must be let blood, who else is rank:
    If I myself, there is no hour so fit
    As Caesar's death hour, nor no instrument
    Of half that worth as those your swords, made rich
    With the most noble blood of all this world.
    I do beseech ye, if you bear me hard,
    Now, whilst your purpled hands do reek and smoke,
    Fulfil your pleasure. Live a thousand years,
    I shall not find myself so apt to die:
    No place will please me so, no mean of death,
    As here by Caesar, and by you cut off,
    The choice and master spirits of this age.

BRUTUS

    O Antony, beg not your death of us.
    Though now we must appear bloody and crue

This was a pretty decent read, how does it end? Does Mark Antony get his dick chopped off?

And yet the person quoting Shakespeare does not have the balls to use their real name.

@ shane: if you gotta know. it was me.

and this *is* my real name.

suck it.

Hard being a parent, eh?  I don't share your concern about explaining gender association issues, poppa.  We have gay friends, and my son saw his first drag show at the ripe age of three.

If you are concerned about stepping on the toes of your stepson's biological parents, perhaps you should defer the awkward explanations to them.  One would hope they are somewhat less uptight than you are regarding sexuality.

Sorry. My apologies. I posted my previous comment without thinking clearly enough. It was a bit too harsh.

Where've you been? Ezra's been pulling that one for years.

Sorry, Adam, I was hanging out with Prefect near Betelgeuse.

Oh, naming the play "Sex Change" is just a sad attempt to be sensational. It's like if the title of "Big" was instead "Grown Man Inside a Little Boy." I mean, yikes.