The biggest mistake you can make after deciding to eat yourself is to start with the hands. The hands are the easiest part of the body to eat, so they seem like a good place to begin, but that is exactly why you should save them as long as possible. Remember, once your hands are gone, those hard to bite areas become an even bigger strain.
I suggest you start with your thigh, just above the knee. Chew through both legs, severing them. This allows you to eat your calves and feet like two big, sloppy corncobs. (Should you begin choking on an Achilles tendon, remember that a self-applied Heimlich maneuver can be just as easily performed when you are rolling around on the floor with severed legs as when you are standing on your feet.)
You might find the area from your thighs up hard to reach with your mouth so it’s important that you still have your hands and arms. Don’t eat them yet! After you have chewed open your legs, you will easily be able to use your hands to scoop out heaping portions of the rest of your body.
Many people ask me, “Paul, how do I eat my own mouth?” The answer is simple. Just push it down your throat and swallow. It’s that easy.
Others ask, “What should I serve with myself?” What these people don’t realize is that the human body is a complete five-course meal. Appetizer: toes. Salad: tossed hamstrings. Soup: cream of kneecap. Main course: rump-roast à la moi. Dessert: brains. (I like my brains topped with maple nut ice cream.)
While you are dining, you might decide you want to wash yourself down with something. Allow me to suggest black cherry spritzer.
Once you have finished, you will no doubt desire to eat someone else. I recommend short women with round features. They are the juiciest.
Infants are to be avoided. They are too small. Throw them back.
The elderly are generally pretty dry, but if you sauté them in butter and garlic … well, even a roller skate is tasty if it’s been sautéed in butter and garlic.
And do not forget to save your cartilage. In my next essay: pepperoni recipes.
Paul Lundgren is author of The Spowl Ribbon, a book released in 2010 that finally broke even in 2015. Publishing success!
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