The Christmas holiday is a joyous celebration commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, observed through gift giving, wreath hanging, carol singing, tree decorating, card exchanging, egg nog drinking, fruitcake chewing, chestnut roasting and other questionable behavior. Not everyone believes in Jesus Christ, or fruitcake for that matter, but all decent human beings are expected to be just a little nicer than usual in December and tolerate all the crackpots.
For those who are unsure how to comply with society’s expectations, I’ve put together a few quick answers to some frequently asked Christmas questions.
Should my family put together a holiday photo card or just do the general Hallmark greeting card thing?
No matter how crappy a photo card is, a majority of recipients will save it their entire lives. Hallmark cards are completely pointless and will be in the recycling bin on Dec. 26 by noon.
Kids are so cute. Should I just use a picture of my children on my photo card?
Your kids are indisputably adorable. There is no question about that. The thing is, Christmas is not the time of year to flaunt the loveliness of your offspring. It’s time to show off what a square, grown-up dweeb you are. That’s why the whole family needs to be in your photo.
The holiday season is a time of giving, and what you have to give is how stupid you look in that awful sweater your mom bought for you in the early stages of her dementia. Put it on. Make sure your kid is dressed in something that advertises a fad that will be over by next Christmas.
If your family photo doesn’t invoke a hard belly laugh at your expense, and get funnier with each passing year, you are doing something wrong. Don’t let your public down.
I don’t have kids. Should I send out a picture of my dog?
Only if you dress up your dog and pose with it.
Should I write a letter to enclose with the card, detailing our family vacation and information on junior’s grades?
Make sure it’s several pages long and doesn’t leave out a single detail. Also, I highly recommend writing your letter in verse with a lot of forced rhymes in it.
I feel overwhelmed by the number of gifts I’m expected to buy. What can I do to simplify?
People who love you don’t depend on you for gifts. The only reason to give them something is because you want to. If you find it stressful, don’t do it. Or, just buy a lot of socks. You can buy a sack full of socks at one store in 15 minutes. Everyone needs new socks.
What about my kids?
Kids are easy. Buy them anything you see advertised on television. They will love it.
What about my wife?
According to Jewelers of America, the national association of retail jewelers, you should spend 93 percent of your annual income on a present for your wife. What’s complicated about that?
What about my husband?
His nose hairs aren’t going to trim themselves. What man doesn’t want a grooming kit? Seriously, all your husband wants is for you to not get him something nicer than he got you. Go down to the basement, find what you gave him last year and give it to him again. It’s the right thing to do.
Should I have a merry little Christmas or am I more suited for a holly jolly Christmas?
It depends on your body type.
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