DULUTH, Minn. (AP) – On August 10, 2020, Duluth Mayor Emily Larson commissioned the Duluth Autonomous Navy to eradicate the bull shark terrorizing Duluth’s beaches. Only four days later, the DAN co-Admirals have announced “mission accomplished.”
“We had a good idea where to find it,” said Jim Richardson, AKA Lake Superior Aquaman. “I witnessed the encounter that went viral (“Lake Superior Bull Shark Encounter, Duluth MN 8/8/20”), and we plotted an intercept course from that.”
Troy Rogers, AKA Robot Rickshaw, characterized the successful hunt this way: “We launched on Monday, and by Thursday that shark had a trident in its guts.”
The Mayor’s office confirmed medals will be awarded as soon as it is safe to hold large gatherings.
When asked about a lack of footage, Richardson said, “I lost two good GoPros while doing battle with that thing, and it if weren’t for those cameras getting all bit up, I wouldn’t be here today.”
And the lack of a body? “That shark lies belly-up on the bottom of the sea in the muck. You’re welcome.”
What of those pictures of Richardson sporting a strap-on dorsal fin? “That camouflage allowed me close enough to strike, as Troy’s sousaphone boat drove it towards me, making a bunch of racket. Any further questions may be directed to my attorney.”
Mayor Larson is getting bi-partisan kudos for a quick response time. Speaking on condition of confidentiality, a source within the administration said, “She didn’t want a repeat of the alligator fiasco from her first term. You almost never see alligators in Lake Superior any more. But it just took too long, and I heard, I mean she heard, those constituent concerns loud and clear. Now Duluthians can relax and enjoy the rest of the summer in the water.”
The UMD Biology Department issued a press release about the shark, stating, “Lake Superior cannot support a breeding shark population. This was a lonely, hungry, tired shark.”
Richardson took issue with that: “I can assure you, that shark may have been lonely and hungry, but it was not tired.”
Speargun traps are being installed in the Soo Locks to keep sharks out of the lake from now on. A spokesperson for the Army Corps of Engineers confirmed, “Sharks are a Lake Michigan problem, not a Lake Superior problem.”
Related: Sharkgate: the Lake Superior Bull Shark Conspiracy. Nautical Milestone for the Duluth Autonomous Navy. Other.
