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Surviving the Zombiepocolypse

King Zombie SlayerI thought that I had my survival kit all figured out for the day that the dead rise and attack, but tonight I had a revelation on the subject. Until now I figured the smallest caliber pistol that can penetrate a human skull, with a katana as a back up for when the bullets run out would be an ideal anti-zombie arsenal. Then I realized something. In pretty much every role playing game worth a damn, some sort of attack bonus is granted against the undead when using a blunt weapon. There has to be a good reason behind that. So, forget the swords, and get yourself a nice mace. They're smaller, more agile, and don't lose their edge. If they were good enough to pound through plate mail 700 years ago, they'll be good enough to pound through a zombie's skull in the upcoming years.

This is my loving tip to you to help survive the impending invasion.


Crushing a zombie's skull is by no means a guarantee of its death...my anti-zombie kit will still revolve around the katana. I'd much rather rely on the tried and true decapitation method when dealing with legions of undead.

Best post ever?

I'm pretty sure this IS the best post ever.

Thanks for reminding us of the necessity of being prepared in case of a paranormal emergency. Every family should have in place a preparedness plan and review it quarterly. A well rounded plan should include contingency plans depending on the impending apocalypse. Recommended additional items for your paranormal preparedness kit include:

  • a flashlight
  • a wooden stake
  • holy water
  • silver bullets
  • tinfoil hats
  • potable water
  • matches

Thanks, again, for reminding us that flesh-eating zombies are only an apocalypse away.

well, you're really going to need to switch it up a bit to avoid fatigue, as even wielding a properly weighted and balanced mace can get be a little hard on the old ACL (talk about Repetitive Motion Disorder...).

A mace and katana are really good for close quarter combat after you've expended your tube of 00 scattergun ammo. basically, you'd implement them as a fallback weapon to give you ample room and time, if becoming surrounded, to either reload or retreat to a more advantageous position to set up suppression and defilade fire.

As always, remember: Full auto may spit a clip full of lead, but I prefer one bullet to the head.

Also, one should never, ever count out the value of homemade HEI and HE devices such as pipe bombs and molotov cocktails.

Yes, a decapitation is a guaranteed kill, but how much wear & tear does cutting through a neck cause on a blade? With one of the cheap swords you can buy from that guy in the van, or at Frankie's, I doubt it is going to hold up well after taking out a couple hundred zombies, if it even has a good enough edge to effortlessly cut through bone in the first place. Give me a night in a scrap yard with a cutting torch and an arc-welder and I'll give you an assorted collection of usable maces that will last many years into the zombie strewn future. Complete with spiky points to help drive through the skull.

Also, going for that one decapitation shot pretty much limits you to one swing path. Much of the weapons power comes from being able to slice and dice living humans who can feel, and are affected by pain. The mace can whollup that head from pretty much any angle and get a kill shot, or at least stun the zombie or knock it back far enough that you can flee, or set up for a second attack.

Please don't take this as being too critical. I'm just trying to help save your life.

Well, I'd add that a decapitating swing is tougher than you might think. It's not like necks, even those of flesh-eating zombies, are made of butter. And blades dull quickly. Most likely to decapitate your zombie attacker you'll need at least 4 or 5 good hacks. Further, unless you are an expert in wielding a machete or katana, you could sprain your wrist fairly easily.

I have to concur that a handy mace is a good substitute. Most households have a baseball bat which will do nicely in a pinch. And if it's wooden then driving a few nails through it could help enhance its damage.

I feel almost naked to these attacks as I look back at all the years my preparedness kit did not include such a device. Thank you for potentially saving my life, Sjixxxy!

My family and I will be fine with my trusty Husqvarna in one hand, and blowtorch in the other. By the way, crosses and holy water are still useless against zombies, right?

You know, I was wondering about homemade flamethrowers of some kind, Funk. I always fear the safety factor with those as you are apt to end up in a flaming inferno. Out of the frying pan into the fire, so to speak. Something with controlled bursts might be useful, especially in the outdoors.

And as far as the holy water, I was talking about a general safety plan for a paranormal apocalypse. Be prepared! You never know who your undead opponent may be!

I've always been keen on the idea of keeping a mace or two around the house, just in case. I've had friends scoff at me and tell me that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Now you've finally seen the light. Swords are useless against zombies, even the slow moving ones. I'll be ready with my maces, my chainsaw(cause it works so well in "Stand Off", and my assorted small caliber pistols, and my Metal Storm (1 million rounds a minute) gun. I figure if it can place a round every millimeter over a span of 100 yards, who needs a friggin sword.

Holy Water? Silver Bullets? Wooden Stakes?

Seriously people, we are talking about Zombies here. Not that mythical shit like goblins and warewolves.

Once the dead start walking, I'm totally going to Sjixxxy's house! :D

Yes, I'll also take a pass on the holy water. A rope ladder would be good because we'll need to destroy all our staircases and live above the ground floor. If you live on the ground floor, you will soon be a zombie.

And now, the true horror:

Sjixxxy, as I said, it is good to be prepared for any paranormal apocalypse. See what good that mace does you against a pack of ravenous werewolves.

Still, I did go off topic, so my apologies for that.

The Zombie Survival Guide by Brooks will have all the answers you need.

Does your house have stairs to the upper level that can be destroyed? Does your house have a renewable water source? Power? How stocked are you with food? Personally, once the Great Panic begins from the Z-shock I think most of us are screwed regardless of weapons.

Most defensible place in the Twin Ports from a zombie apocalypse? My choice would be Park Point. Tough work keeping the beaches clear from zombies who wash up, but enough of a barrier to start with. Excellent foraging in the houses and in town once winter hits and the zombies freeze. Plus fresh water and some green space for gardens.


Well Said Mr. Ashley~ I've always thought simillar. Unfortunately the lack of supplies would be a hindrance... But I think taking down the lift bridge and shoring up on Park Point would be ideal.

Some people have questioned why I keep a katana on my wall. And for those who won't accept the answer "because it's kick ass" - I offer to them the zombie defense explanation.

In my house for the sake of zombie defense, I keep readily available:

-9 Iron
-1 Wood (older real wood - not wussy light weight graphite compound crappy crap)
-12 Ga.
-.22 (for the little zombies?)
-Compound Bow (flaming arrows to the face)
-Bacardi 151 (to dull the pain, and fuel the molotovs)
-General Outdoors survival gear.

It may just come down to hunting seagulls and purifying Lake Superior water for the rest of our times.

Good thing there's that market on MN Ave.

I'm afraid the latest data indicates Park Point would quickly be swamped by waterlogged zombies. Case in point, the new novel "World War Z, an Oral History of the Zombie War."

Drowning is a non-issue for the undead and the water isn't deep enough.

Now, get yourself an oreboat and you're in business.

Although it is true the frozen wasteland aspect of Duluth would be a benefit. But if Park Point were the last holdout? Unless you've got a bullet factory over there I'm afraid you'd be toast.

It will be interesting to see who was right in predicting zombie behaviour best...

Will we be obliterated by unkillable clumsy slow-walking brain mongers?

Or trampled by a hoarde of blood thirsty ninja beasts?

The zombies sure have gotten a lot more intelligent, quick and vicious over the past 10 years...

I remember making the joke while playing Resident Evil 2 "My God! They've learned how to open doors!"

Now, however, it is not only expected they know how to open doors, but they seem to be capable of performing advanced statistical analyses to calculate where they will find the highest yield of brain availability.

There goes the neighborhood.

If a zombie apocalypse was to happen what all would be affected?
Would it be restricted to just mammals or would there also be zombie fish and birds?

Wikipedia and the Romero movies shed some light on this. For Romero, it was any person who dies period reanimates. In Brook's World War Z, its any human bitten or otherwise infected. I don't recall if everyone who dies in that scenario reanimates but certainly theres no shortage of Zombies in the book.

In World War Z, dogs are used to determine if a person is infected much like they were used to sniff out Terminators. Dogs were used as recon and to attack Zombies. The dogs never got infected as they were in Resident Evil.

So I guess it depends if Hell is full or if its a creepy superplague.

I stand with Funk. All you need is a Husqvarna and a blowtorch.

Oh, and Bruce Campbell.

Let's DO this already!

Now I'm trying to think of zombie-defensable areas in the twin ports...
I think Park Point would be out due to swimming zombies, or zombies waiting until winter.
Enger Tower would be a defensable (locked gate, bars on windows), but you'd better have supplies or you'll just die slowly.
DeWitt Seitz seems like it may be defensable if you could get to the upper stories - the public areas would be a zombie-fest. Better clear out the Amazing Grace muffin supply before heading up.
Everyone knows hiding from zombies in malls is just a bad idea (plus, eating mall food all the time will make you sick).
The banks, casino, and pawn shops may provide a secure enough location to hole up until the National Guard roles in.
An ore boat really would ideal. When Z-Day arrives, let's all meet at the Irving - I'll bring a can opener and a sword!

lucky for you landlubbers and lowly polywogs, I am well versed in celestial, line of sigh and radar navigation...as well as basic engineering and other useful shipboard related skills...along with my aforementioned guerrilla warfare tactical knowledge...

Suppose we could also set up shop on a CG cutter as well, a nice .50 cal and a 5 inch 50 can do wonders for cutting through the undead during shore bombardment.

That said, I hereby assume the rank of Commander. I would put on the General's stars but...today's generals are desk jockeys. I wanna be where the killin is.

actually from a tactical standpoint, there aren't very many prime defensible positions in town. You could do well with Park Point until winter, but a high voltage electric fence and concertina wire can do wonders for keeping zombies at bay...it has its own power, and you can launch raids into zombie controlled territory via the lift bridge. the point chalet would easily make a formidable HQ for basing your operations. the only drawback that I can see would be allowing for unlimited access to the Irving. Dewitt Seitz and Enger aren't ideal due to their vulnerability to being surrounded. You always want to have an "out" to any defensible position...that is, if you're about to be overrun, you need a place to retreat.

of all places i have found to be most defendable in the area if there was a zombie apocolypse...it is this...centerfolds ...yup the strip joint...i used to work there...they have bars on all the doors...they are also made of steel....there is only a small window...as for that there are no other ways in...and even a secret exit....i'm sad to say i check out the advantages of any building i go into...it's not a matter of "if" the zombie apocyolypse is going to happen........but "when......

and it's close enough to superior shooters supply to loot....

Decapitation? Have fun getting bitten by flying severed zombie heads. I'll stick with the old shotgun/lead-pipe combo thank you very much.

Also, we'll have a shanty town all set up on the roof of a warehouse in South Saint Paul.

it wouldn't be a zombie post without heiko.

thanks for the tip, buddy.

I love that I am not alone in thinking about these things. Thank you PDD. And the ore boat idea is awesome.

I think I'd head for the prison. Any place built to keep people in should be good for keeping zombies out.

Just for clarity's sake, Zombies freeze in winter. Freeze up solid. Hunt em down and bash their frozen asses.

You could hold out in Park Point. For awhile.

Until wave after wave of hideous zombies erupt from the lake in spring time devouring your flesh like kentucky fried chicken.

Teams of mushers with maces and packs of zombie hunting dogs, sure Duluth might be better off.

But 'The Great Panic' described in World War Z, well, even Duluth may not be far enough North.

Secure buildings and proper quarantine procedures go a long way.

Max Brook's point is a brillant one for anti-zombie operations- they're not in a hurry, why should you be?

Thus the mace.

World War Z describes a scenario of just such patience realized- formations of shooters calmly delivering headshots against hordes of zombies to the point of a hell of a lot of dead ass zombies everywhere. But it's a hard earned lesson from treating zombies like a traditional military adversary. Zombies have no will to break.

Romeros movies always emphasize the humans savaging each other. I've only read the wikipedia page. Most of those movies are too scary for me.

I once dreamed of a sexual congress with a rage style zombie.

She was hot.

Oh, and if you hole up at the prison you should bring enough food for everyone.

Because the zombies will sniff you out and surround you.

How about this motherfucking shit- Whole Foods Co-Op? Who's in the bulk aisle with a couple gallons of near-expired soy milk going right in the bin while the produce department reload their sawed-offs as they chow down on motherfucking bok-choi...and its a motherfucking delivery day...chik-chik! Lets do this!

heaven forbid if a zombie attack on the WFC made somebody spill their bongwater all over the bulgar flour overstock.

i'd figure the granola crunchers @ the WFC would be the first to get their brains sucked out through their ears...being as how the majority of em are opposed to gun ownership and all...

Do bongwater and patchoui make good zombie repellents? I know for sure that the first few bars of PHISH's Slave To he Traffic Light is quite enough to make a normal person's head explode. Maybe it works on zombies, too.

I think WFC's biggest problem in case of a zombie attack is their relentless commitment to quality customer service.

I could see the managers forcing the doors open and sacrificing the staff just to keep the numbers up.

"I don't care if they are undead- they're our member-owners and the by-laws say we must open the door!"


In World War Z, Duluth seems to survive until "liberation" by the US army. In one section the former VP mentions US forces having to deal with every "warlord of Duluth" upon return of US forces wherever the army pulled out during the Great Panic but pockets of humanity survived.

Come to think of it -- would it really be that bad to become a zombie? I mean... Okay- so the initial attacking of the zombie would really suck... But then after you are turned? After everyone is turned?

Have you ever seen an unhappy zombie? They all seem pretty content to me.

Convince me otherwise, but, I say think I'll willingly turn, should the zombie attack happen... Unless they upgrade Sky Harbor to launch us to a space station.

But even then, we'd have to worry about metroids.

"I say think I'll willingly"

This is what happens when you change your thoughts mid sentence. Oops. :o

I can just see the staff of the WFC not wanting to lock out their "life-impared" or "differently animated" customers...

Mr. Tim is a zombie sympathizer who advocates the betrayal of humanity.

World War Z describes a weird class of deranged human who has attempted to adapt to a zombified world by basically convincing themselves they're zombies. The other zombies snarf them right down but that doesn't stop these poor saps from wandering into survival camps and trying to gnaw on people. There was some effort to rehabilitate them once the zombie plague was brought under control.

Oh, yeah, if your swinging your mace on zombie patrol for gods sake wear goggles and a face mask. One glob of infected zombie brain pulp and you'll be chomping on schoolchildren in no time.

Not that theres anything wrong with that.

Plus, WWZ also seems to indicate that even when the plague is brought under control, there remain hotspots. I'm sorry to say that swimming in the lake would be pretty hazardous for all eternity.

And yes, there are dudes in deep diving suits that do nothing but fight zombies. Still. They're pernicious.

PS I can think of a certain failed candidate for mayor who would make a fine 'Warlord of Duluth.'

can sock puppets be zombified?

Puppets would be the first to make a separate peace with the zombie hordes and for this reason should be kept from public office.

Can puppeteers be zombified? I'm afraid I'd have to say yes.

Can we teach zombies to contribute to the arts? I'd have to say no.

Lakeview Castle would be a fine place to hold off a zombie siege.Get an armored car for supply runs, get some board games and have a big slumber party until they run out of cheese fries and liquor.

Although given how hard it is to work the 200 doors there for an event it'd be pretty prime for somebody falling asleep at their post and then it's all "Who let this motherfucking zombie in here?"

With regards to the Co-op in a zombie attack, I think organic food would promote a healthy immune system response to the zombie contagion. So the granola eaters would be the last ones standing against the differently animated. A little colloidal silver, some wheat grass juice, and a mace are all you need.

My zombie survival tips:

1.) One thing that many people forget is that your zombie survival kit should be clearly marked and kept away from other survival kits and bags. The wrong bag/kit will probably leave you and your loved ones dead, period.

2.) If you have a safe spot, for the love of all things important to you, DO NOT post it online. If everyone knows of your safehouse/place, you are going to be screwed. Zombie-Survivalists are quite internet savvy and will find out. Imagine arriving at your safehouse with little Billy and Suzie, only to find it already secured and occupied. Yup, nobody enjoys watching little Billy and Suzie eaten by zombies while you scream to be let in.

3.) We've all seen Shaun of the Dead, pretending to be a zombie doesn't actually work. Trust me.

4.) Food. There are many sources in this area. Even if you have exhausted your main supplies, a couple scraps of food will lure in seagulls (hopefully they aren't infected or full from eating the dead), a simple snare around a scrap it is an easy way to trap a bird. The term booby-trap comes from this technique of capturing the red footed booby (a bird).

5.) Take time every couple months to review and update your plan.

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