oookay, if this is the way it is going...

Why can't the Dalai Lama vacuum under the sofa?

Because he has no attachments

-or-
What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

The hot dog vendor said "that will be $2.50" and the Dalai Lama handed him a five.

And waited.

The Dalia Lama said "Hey where's my change?"

The hot dog vendor said "change must come from within"

The Dalai Lama admitted this was true, and ate his hot dog, but it gave him bad breath and bothered his sore tooth.

The Dalai Lama then walked to the dentist to get a filling. Although old and frail, he walked often, and he walked barefoot, as evidenced by the thickness of the soles of his feet. It is for this reason he is known as the "super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis."

The dentist inspected the Dalai Lama's tooth, and said he could fill the cavity right then. When he offered to use Novacaine, the Dalai Lama declined, saying he wanted to "transcend dental medication."

So then this young doctor from New York, as part of his schooling agreement, winds up in very rural Montana to practice medicine for five years. One day he walks out to his mailbox at the end of his very long driveway of his new house to get the mail. As he retrieves his mail, one of his few neighbors in this sparsely populated village pulls up in an old beaten down Dodge pickup truck. "Howdy, Neighbor!" he exclaims, pulling on his long dirty grey beard, "I live a mile up the road and I'd like to invite ye to a party I'm having Friday night!" Our young doctor is a bit hesitant considering his neighbor's grubby appearance, but since he's new in town he wants to make a good first impression, so he agrees to attend. "But I warn ye, there's gonna be a lotta drinkin' there!" the neighbor yells. The doctor is unfazed, he likes a beer or two himself once in awhile: "Fine," is his reply, "see you then!" and the doctor turns to head back to his house. "Wait a second!" says the neighbor, "there's probably gonna be a lotta fightin' there!" "Well good thing I'm a doctor!" is the reply with nervous laughter, and the doctor again turns to leave. "One more thing!" shouts the neighbor, and then he lowers his voice. "There's gonna be a lot of sexin' goin' on there too!" Now the doctor is really interested. "I'm rather surprised considering how few people live in the neighborhood," says the Doc. "What other people?!" yells the neighbor, "Its only gonna be me and you!"

Bear walks into a bar, says: "I'd like a scotch and soda please."

Bartender says: "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve bears in this bar"

Bear says, "Whaddya mean you don't serve bears?"

Bartender says, "You see the sign? We have a very strict no bear policy. I can't serve you no matter what."

Bear says, "Listen pal, if you don't give me my drink I'm going to go over there and eat that lady sitting at the bar."

Bartender, "You do whatever you want buddy. WE DON"T SERVE BEARS."

Bear walks over to lady, "Growl...Gulp." Eats the lady up in one gulp. Bear walks back over to bartender says, "Okay buddy, now you gonna gimme my drink or what!?"

Bartendar, "Sorry buster, we don't serve bears, and absolutely don't serve drug addicts in this bar!"

Bear, puzzedly growls, "Wha...? I'm no drug addict!?"

Bartender, wagging finger and tisking, "Tisk, tisk, tisk...what about that Bar-bitch-you ate?"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter, and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly."

A man walks into a bar on an especially hot day. On a leash walking behind him is an ugly yellow dog. As is the custom, the man sits down at the bar and orders himself a beer.

There is one other patron in the bar at this point...another man sitting at the opposite end of the bar. He looks at the ugly yellow dog, then at the man, and back at the ugly yellow dog. After a few minutes, he finally speaks up...

"Say man..."
"Yeah?"
"Say, I don't mean to be rude or nothing but...I gotta say something..."
"Yeah, What's that?"
"Well, I've seen some dogs in my life...some cute, some not so cute...but that has got to be the ugliest dog I've ever seen!"

The man with the yellow dog looks at his hound laying next to his stool and replies
"Ugly eh? What makes you say that?"

"Well, mister...for starters, he's got no tail, he's got a long nose and short little legs...that is one UGLY dog..."

"Yeah, well I guess he is pretty ugly, but he sure can fight!"

"Fight eh?" says the stranger, obviously baiting for more info..."Just so happens, I got me a champion pit bull in the cab of the truck...if your mutt's as good as you say...maybe we could lay a little money on it...what do you say?"

"I say good...I'll meet ya out in the alley in say five minutes."

The two gentlemen meet up back inthe alley and the two dogs do their thing, with the pit bull being sent back to the other man's truck whimpering and beaten.

"Mister, you were right..that dog may be ugly but he sure can fight. I gotta know though...I've never seen a dog like him. Where did you get a dog like that?"

"At the zoo" said the man with the yellow dog.

"At the ZOO?! What kind of dogs do they have at the zoo?"

"Well he used to be an alligator til I cut off his tail and painted him yellow."

There was once a tribe of very aggressive, territorial people who lived in a small village, deep in the a jungle.

One year, a new leader was appointed - he was a bit aggressive and power-hungry, and decided that his tribe should be the only tribe in the region - they would have to wage war on all the other infidels.

His warriors set out, and - surely enough - began to conquer the other tribes. Each time they deposed the leader of a tribe, they would claim his throne as a trophy.

These thrones were stored in the chief's straw hut, as a sign of honour. After a few victories, the whole hut was full of thrones, so they built it up into a two-level hut, and started putting the thrones upstairs.

It didn't take many more victories before the weight of the trophies became too much, and the hut collapsed - killing the tribal chief.

The moral of the story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

A man had a friend who owned 2 very intelligent porpoises. They could do amazing tricks, and communicate with humans very well. After much urging, the owner agreed to sell the porpoises to his friend. "But remember this," said the seller: "The porpoises will never die as long as you feed them each one live seagull every day. As soon as you miss a day, they will die."The new owner transported the porpoises to his home, and placed them in his outdoor swimming pool, where he kept them alive and well for some time. Each day he would go down to the beach, capture 2 live seagulls, and bring them home to feed to the porpoises.One day as he was returning home with a live gull in each hand, he found a lion lying across his doorstep, basking in the sun. He became panicked,because he knew that if he didn't get through to feed the porpoises, they would die. So he jumped over the lion and ran quickly into the house.Inside, much to his surprise, were two FBI agents who promptly placed him under arrest. "What's the charge?" asked the stunned porpoise owner. "What have I done wrong?" "You, sir," replied one of the FBI agents, "are being charged for illegally transporting captive gulls across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises!"

two weeks after the "Bear Incident," a dog walks into the very same bar.

The bartender, remembering thw ordeal stopped the dog at the door and attempted tell him to leave.

"I'm sorry hound, but we've had a lot of trouble with animals lately and I'm just not in the mood for shenanigans." says the bartender nodding toward the WE DON'T SERVE BEARS sign on the wall.

Dog walking toward the bar still..."Look, man...it's hot out and all I want is a cold beer..."

Bartender pulls a shotgun from under the bar and cocks it, aiming at the dog. "One more step, budy, and you're gonna regret it."

The dog continues his advance on the bar, trying to reason with the barkeep...to no avail, the bartender pulls the trigger and shoots the dog in the foot. Dog runs out of the bar, wailing and crying all the way home.

Two weeks later, he's bandaged up but he's feeling hurt and dejected. He decides to confront the barkeep and demand satisfaction...he goes to the bar that afternoon and walks up to the door and with his good foot kicks open the door. Everything inside tha bar stops as the dog walks into the bar, limping.

The bartender on duty at the time asks "Can I help you, mister?"

Dog looks up at him and favors his hurt foot and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Uh, that's punny.

Another version of the frog joke has the amphibian identifying his father as Mick Jagger. So the complete punchline is "It's a knicknack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

The Chicken and the Egg are in bed. The Egg's dragging on a cigarette. Turns to the Chicken and says "well I guess that answers THAT question!"

The ‘phone rings at the KGB headquarters:
"Da?"
Furtive voice: "My neighbour, Yankel Rabinovitz, is an enemy of the state - he is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."
"This will be noted."
Click.

The next day, the KGB go to Rabinovitz’s house. They search the shed in which he keeps his firewood, breaking up all the wood they find to ensure that they don’t miss anything. They find no diamonds, so they curse Rabinovitz, and leave.

Later, Rabinovitz’s telephone rings:
"Hello?"
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes."
"Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch ploughed"

A Rabbi walks into a bar.

Mitzvah.

So Heikki and Eino (Sven and Ole, Pat and Mike, George and Donald, Jessica and Ashley, etc.) are out for a walk in the country. They look out into a field and see a man sitting in a boat, fishing rod up and line up. Heikki looks at Eino and says,
"You know Eino, he ain't gonna catch any fish out in da middle of that field."
"Yaaaaa", says Eino.
"Well, doncha tink one of us should go out dere an' tell 'im?"
"Oh, yaa", says Eino,"but how we gonna get out dere, we ain't got no boat."

Paris and Nicole go out fishing one day. After a few hours Paris has to go "number 2." She tells Nicole she has to go really bad but there's no toilet paper. "No problem!" says Nicole, "just use a dollar." So they row the boat over to a secluded part of the shore, and Paris jumps out of the boat into some bushes. After 5 minutes, she comes back to the boat, and she's covered almost from head to toe in her own poop. "What the heck happened?!" cried Nicole, "I told you to use a dollar bill to wipe with!!!" "A dollar bill?!" said Paris, "I used three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!"

A man is out drinking at his neighborhood pub and realizes he needs to leave before his wife finds out.

He gets up off the barstool and BOOM, falls to the floor. He tries to pull himself up but falls down again.

He thinks to himself, "if I can just crawl over to the door and get some fresh air, I can gather myself and walk home."

He crawls over to the door, tries to pull himself up and take a step and BOOM, falls to the floor again.

He thinks to himself, "wow, I must be drunker then I thought!" But he knows that he can't call the wife because he would just be in trouble.

He proceeds to crawl all the way home, crawl up the stairs, and pull himself quietly into the bed. He thinks to himself, "cool, I didn't get caught."

The next morning, he wakes and sees his wife glaring at him. She says, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE OUT DRINKING AGAIN!!"

He asks how she knows??

She says, "the Bartender called, you left your wheelchair there again!"

A woman discovered an old lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. "Thank you for releasing me from the lamp" I will grant you three wishes in gratitude for my freedom"

"I want to be rich"

POOF

She was wealthy beyond comprehension.

"I want to be gorgeous"

POOF

She was so wondrous that even the trees turned towards her beauty.

"Turn my cat fluffy into the most handsome man in the world"

POOF

This Adonis stood before her. He held his arms out to her. "I love you" "I want you" "Why did you have me neutered?"

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny?"